“My dearest Lizzy I hardly know what to write but I have….”
It’s been a few weeks since I last posted and I have no idea where to start.
In my last post I talked about identity and how it’s been a big issue in my life. Well that post and that realization was the start of a huge life-overhaul. A few weekends ago I went to Kansas City to a conference with the Navigator’s called Main Event. Basically everything God had been telling me was once again shouted in my ear and I couldn’t help but listen and obey.
The biggest of these things was a new conviction that God was moving ahead of me like the pillar of fire before the Israelites and I wasn’t packing up my tents and following.
This has been the hardest thing for me because this means leaving everything that I associate with my Christian faith and moving to a new church. Yup, there it is. It’s out. I said it. After 16 years with the same church and not a small amount of perseverance and faith God has given me the green light to leave. Right when I don’t want to.
It’s crazy how God works. If a year ago God had knocked on my door and said “I want you to find a new church” it would have been incredibly easy. At that point in time my home church was dying, my friends were all long gone, and there was a lot of raw hurt that I just didn’t want to deal with. But God said stay. And so I stayed.
Then we healed a bit and we started to grow and this amazing man with his amazing family started regularly attending with the intention of taking over the music ministry. I was stoked! He unified our team, he leads with vision and authority. He’s trained in music, both by experience and in a classroom. He seemed to me to be a ticket to becoming a worship leader myself.
Before this summer I started praying for this school year and praying about whether I should stay at my church or start going somewhere else. I wrote out a list and worship team made me sit my butt down and stay.
Then God tore down the idols in my heart and showed me what a fool I am.
I revisited the list and I realized that nothing is more important than my relationship with God.
And God showed me that He had moved to another church and I was too trapped in my selfish desires to follow.
The thing running through my head has been “If your presence goes I don’t want to stay, If your presence stays I don’t want to go.”
It just kind of brings me back to the desperation for God’s presence.
Is it hard? Unbelievably so. Will I go? You bet your butt.