Sometimes life is just a massive sucker-punch. The say senior year is so much better and that there’s a whole new world that opens up, a world full of endless possibilities and nonexistent restrictions. well… It’s not true. At least not in my experience.
For me Senior year has been responsibility and unbelievable amounts of stress.
No, not from the actual school part of it (haha). Senior year has been the easiest of all four years so far. I would even venture to say my easiest ever. I’m not learning anything new…. My hardest classes are GOPO(repeat of 9th grade civics) and AP French(Review of French 1-4). Honestly my biggest academic obstacle right now is reading Roald Dahl’s The Witches, which is a terrifying children’s story that, in movie format, would be rated ‘R’ and classified as ‘horror’.
No, the real sucker-punch is me. Just me.
See, as a Senior in high school, I am already being treated for medical problems. And most of my problems are just because I am who I am. I can’t help the fact that I have back pain and muscle tension because of the body God gave me. I can’t help that I’m taller then most girls and don’t have the blood volume to operate efficiently. I can’t help it that I have a severe pain problem…. And all of this adds up to dollar signs that I can’t afford.
Especially not with college breathing down my neck.
I did very well on the ACT. but it isn’t good enough. Because I don’t know how I’m going to pay for college. Yeah I have the capability to pay for college. but not all the other things being thrown at me. Medication, dr’s visits, ultrasounds, xrays… surgery. As a senior in high school it is finally dawning on me that one day my parents aren’t going to take the bill for all that stuff.
And yeah, I’m over-reacting and looking way into the future and making a mountain out of a mole-hill and all that stuff, but I can’t help but feel like a burden on society…. and when I get oodles of letters from colleges that look at me as a number and not an individual, I can’t help but feel like a drop in the bucket. The one leaf that fell on the perfect lawn. I feel like “That person”.
But what hurts the most is that I didn’t do anything to cause this.
I was born this way. This was all “Fate”. I can’t help but question God’s sovereignty. God’s plan. If He loves me so much, why was I born this way? Why is anyone born this way? I’ve heard in the song “We pray for healing, but love was way too much to give us lesser things.” I know in my head that in the end this is what is best for me, but like doubting Thomas I can’t believe it in my heart until it’s right before my eyes. I can’t rest until I know in my bones that it’s true.
And now I wonder when God’s promise stopped being good enough?
Maybe the reason why I’m going through hardship is to solidify in my mind how much I need God. Yet in a time when I want action, I’m just getting that still small whisper and I’m too anxious to hear it.
I wanna be healed.
I want to be the woman in the crowd that touched Jesus’ robe and was healed instantly. But sometimes it doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes You have to live in pain. Sometimes you have to be “That person”.
In a time of decision making, it seems I don’t have a choice.
I guess I just have to wait.