The Vicious Cycle of Rebellion

I think we all have those days when we’re so in love with Jesus we can’t even breathe without smiling because his love and grace is so freeing and relieving.

But for me personally I feel like for every day I can’t stop smiling I have two days of dragging my feet and wishing I wanted to read my bible, but not being able to muster up the desire.

I have a little problem.

I like sin.

My favorite? Planning my godless future. Lusting after my of version of the white picket fence. Perfect career that provides enough money and vacation days for endless travel(travel that I go on by myself, despite having a doting husband.(Do I really want one of those? Let’s not psychoanalyze my fantasy too much…)) having a cuddly baby without any of the responsibility or nightmare of children. Ah yes, it would be perfect.

But it’s not real and it can’t ever be real. Despite the logical fallacies of my daydream there’s one more problem: that’s not the now, and lusting after an impossible future is in fact a sin.

But who wants to come out of the dream to admit it? In the alternate universe in my head it’s okay and no one is judging me and pigs can fly and the hunk that I’m hitched to lets me reign queen. Even the baby doesn’t poop unless I say so. I’m god.

Eventually I wake up and I’m not that god anymore, but my sinful flesh is clinging to the fantasy. Feverish to have the control back. As the vision fades and the reality of what I’ve done sets in I’m faced with a choice: repent or go back to sleep. All too often I choose the latter, turning off my conscience and saying “God who? I’m god.”

and the spirit weeps, even as the flesh gluttonously feeds on the images created by my imagination.

I am trapped in the frenzy of discontentment until finally the spirit breaks free and wails out to God. I confess. I repent. I rest. I sleep and I dream of far away lands and being a nurse and telling people about the incredible forgiveness that Jesus offers. I wake and I smile. I patiently wait for the Lord. I acknowledge Him as God. I resolve to live and never forget the freedom of repentance.

Then I have a bad day. And my waiting is no longer patient. I long for a return to bliss, but instead of going to the source of all things good and holy, I go to the world’s cheap imitations.

and in the blink of an eye I’m falling back into the behavior that led me astray in the first place.

All because I’m too weak to clean house for good. Too weak to finish the job. Too weak to board up the rat holes after dealing with the infestation.

But I do believe that every time we go through this cycle God teaches me something new about himself. He teaches me of his faithfulness, even when I am utterly unfaithful. He teaches me of his steadfast nature even when my emotions blow me around like a sapling in the wind. He teaches me of his holiness in comparison with my wretchedness. He teaches me of his astounding grace which covers up even my wandering heart.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

Hallelujah God is making me into who he wants me to be. Hallelujah for this painful, awful, wonderful promise that I can be made new. Hallelujah I’m not defined by my sin.

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