Spam

Posted on December 22, 2009 by Gracie

And as a side note, Please don’t bother posting spam or I will beat the crap out of you virtually(aka delete your post). ^_^

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Monster

Posted on December 22, 2009 by Gracie

Monster

The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can’t hold it

It’s scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can’t control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
‘Cause if I let him out he’ll tear me up, break me down
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It’s hiding in the dark, it’s teeth are razor sharp
There’s no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it’s just a dream
Maybe it’s inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I’ve gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

So, yeah I’m really feeling this song right now. I don’t know if it’s a teenager thing or what, But i really don’t feel comfortable in my own skin right now. just, some of the things I do, say, think. It just makes me uneasy with myself. I can honestly say I don’t like part of who I’ve become. And then there’s the whole my body is changing in a way that It never has before and it freaks me out every time I walk by a mirror because all of a sudden I’m not a little girl any more. I used to be freakishly excited when people who didn’t know me thought I was way older then I am, but now I don’t like it. I am confused enough as an adolescent in a 16 year old body without people thinking that I’m 23. It freaks me out. And all of the sudden I’m a 16 year old girl with responsibilities all of the sudden heaped onto my shoulders about who I want to be and where I want to go and the people I want to hang out with and where…. it’s a lot to process. As of right now I don’t particularly like some of the choices I’ve made about who I want to be and who I want to hang out with and where. What kind of person would I be if I had chosen to stay with the band crowd and hadn’t gotten involved with the “Emo kids” or the “Goth kids” or whatever you labelers call my friends… I probably would be a different person. Right now I have the confidence of saying I’m where God wants me to be… maybe…. see, I can’t even say I’m where God wants me to be, because I got here by doing things that make me ashamed in front of God. So sin shapes us as much as God does…? It’s all so confusing. I suppose God takes our failures and is illuminated in them…. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Well, I’m weak. Anybody seeing God’s power?

Don’t think that I’m doubting God right now, I’m just severely confused about. Me and where I fit in in God’s plan for my life and how God affects my life. I need to do some soul-searching this christmas season.

Posted in For the Love of Music, Girl-ness, Relationship | 1 Comment

A father’s love

Posted on December 20, 2009 by Gracie

“Never under-estimate a fathers love. Through eyes of love, He saw beauty even before the beauty was restored.”
~Paladin(The Jesus figure in Donita K. Paul’s book ‘Dragonfire’)

“All for love the Father gave
For only love could make a way
All for love the heavens cried
For love was crucified

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
But still You forgive
If only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

Let me sing all for love
I will join the angels song
Ever holy is the Lord
King of Glory
King of all

All for a love a Saviour prayed
Abba Father have Your way
Though they know not what they do
Let the Cross draw man to You”
~Hillsong United “All For Love”

“How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure”
~How Deep The Father’s Love For Us

“See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize that we are God’s children because they don’t know him.”
~1 John 3:1

“I am writing to all who have been called by God the Father, who loves you and keeps you safe in the care of Jesus Christ.”
~Jude 1:1

I think my post has already been pretty much completed, but I’ll write an analysis for the benefit of the slow.

God loves you. Deeply. Passionately. To the point where he took what meant the most to him in the whole universe and sent him to not only die, but to take all the sins of the world onto his shoulders.

I need to drive this home. God HATES sin. He can’t stand sin. Sin and God are like Superman and Kryptonite only not. Like…. Oil and water…. grrr…. it’s like Emily Post and bad manners! God hates it with a fiery burning passion that rivals that of the devil…. actually I’m inclined to believe that God’s hatred of sin beats that of the devil. At one point in time God had amiable feelings toward Lucifer. God has always and will always HATE sin.

allright, now that I’ve told you how much God hates sin you’ll appriciate it so much better that he went his son to become THE EMBODIMENT of sin all for what? That’s right: you. How deep the father’s love. how vast beyond all measure.

You may ask why I am thinking about this right now? Well, frankly, I’ve been experiencing a slice of God’s love. and It’s overwhelming my every sense. It places in my heart a deep burning desire to know him more. To experience his love always. To do the right thing even though I don’t have to and it doesn’t make sense. to throw off the chains of boredom and just hang with God. This is the love of God. And this is why I am waiting to date. Because someday I want to meet a guy that loves me with the love of the father. Because I don’t want any selfish love, because there is NO WAY that the love humans are capable is enough to satisfy me. Because the love of humans isn’t really love. It’s not patient, it’s not kind. It envies. Human love is what takes trophy wives. I want God’s love. I deserve God’s love. And I want to share God’s love with everyone I come into contact with.

It’s hard, but how can I not share? When I have this amazing God who looks at me and instead of seeing all of the nasty things that I’ve done, he sees what Jesus did on the cross and he sees that I’ve been paid for and even though I am still sleeping with the pigs, I can live and walk with him because he loves me. Do you understand how exciting and scary that is??? The maker of the universe LOVES you and me.

Love. It’s so much more then “Only Love”. There will be no chances taken. Love is highly valuable and must not be thrown about. It belongs to God and must therefore be cared for. treasured.

Posted in Relationship, Religion | 3 Comments

Worry

Posted on December 15, 2009 by Gracie

so, in the bible it says something about a man never adding a day to his life by worrying…. I’ve officially decided that The Bible(God) has the best philosophy on life.

I know, kind of a silly decision to come to cause, come on, no duh God has the best philosophy on life. He CREATED it! Well, along with God’s view on sex, drugs, lying, adultery, stealing, pride, the blueprints for a giant ark, and the composition of the human body, I believe that God knew what he was talking about when he told us not to worry. He wants us to live long lives and to prosper in the land that he gives us. That means that the commands he gives us is not for his benefit, but for ours.

Worrying creates stress. Stress causes your body to not function to full potential. Your body not functioning to full potential means health complications. Health complications sooner or later means death. God knew what he was doing.

Currently I’m all stressed out about lots of things. God, church, school, stupid boys, nice boys, “Don’t even think about it” boys, friend tension, did I mention school? Oh and the boys at school too? Holy cow, Show Choir, The future, My busy schedule, self esteem(yes I suffer too), gaining and losing all my weight(grrr, still haven’t gained back those sickness pounds!)….

Basically I want to know where I fit in the big picture. But the wonderful thing about God is that he painted the big picture and he knows every single minuscule detail. He knows where I belong. And if I can just trust him and follow his ways, I can close my eyes and never have to worry again….

But I’m not going to claim to know what God has planned for my life. I’m not going to claim to know what God wants me to do in every situation, because frankly, I haven’t any more clue then your average Christian. Life isn’t all black and white. There’s a whole heck of a lot of grey space where you’ve just got to relax and allow yourself to trust God and those in authority over you and your wisers and betters…. and trust God.

did I mention trusting God?

Yeah, there’s gotta be a lot of trust in God.

Frankly, I don’t know where I’m headed and there are a lot of people and things in my life where I don’t know where I’m going with it, but I know that God has a master plan and if I follow his lead I’ll make it to where he wants me to be. That’s really all I have to say for myself. I’m not wise, but I do have connection to a treasure trove of knowledge. Thank God for God…..

Posted in Relationship, Religion | 1 Comment

Hymns

Posted on December 10, 2009 by Gracie

So, yeah. I haven’t blogged in a while because my log in page has been stupid…. and I lack the motivation.

This past week I went to school for two periods on Monday and I haven’t been since. Why? You may ask…. well, There’s like… nine inches of snow outside my doorstep. Three of the alotted four snow days of the years have happened this week. And monday I went home sick because the nurses can’t give me enough meds to make the pain go away (grrrrr…..)

Yeah, so right now I’m going through some really icky relationship things… Seriously, my views on high school relationships are reinforced… most retarded thing you can do in high school. Because high school boys are way to immature to take friendship seriously, much less a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, you can’t undo the damage of a relationship gone bad, and I’m languishing with a broken heart. Really it’s all my fault…. I”m healing, slowly but surely.

So, I’ve been listening to old hymns and I really don’t understand why we don’t sing these everywhere. Here’s a list of the ones I”m talking about along with links to Lyrics.
All Hail the Power of Jesus’ Name
Amazing Grace
Battle Hymn of the Republic
Be Thou my Vision
Blessed Assurance
Faith of our Fathers
Holy, Holy, Holy
I surrender All
In The Garden
It is Well
Nothing But the Blood
O for a Thousand Tongues to Sing
Onward Christian Soldiers
Rock of Ages
Take my life and Let it Be
Turn your Eyes Upon Jesus
What a friend we have in Jesus
When I Survey the Wondrous Cross

I am thankful to Chris Tomlin and all them who have re-popularized hymns to some extent, but I find it disheartening that whenever these songs are recorded they’re either changed musically(I hate that!!!!) or they’re only singing one or two of the verses and leaving out the best ones. It’s annoying. anyway, enjoy the lyrics and hopefully you’ll end up bawling like I did.

Posted in For the Love of Music, Religion | 1 Comment

3rd anniversary

Posted on November 19, 2009 by Gracie

Hey, so, In commemoration of my third anniversary of being a Jesus lover I’ve got a few songs to share.

(for those of you who can’t understand Screamo)

To Whom it May Concern
Underoath

So hold your head up high and know
It’s not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before
You pack your things and head home
At the end of the road
You’ll find what you’ve been longing for
You’ll find what you’ve been longing for at the end of the road
I know ’cause my feet have the scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home…

Yeah!
It’s time for you to press on
This is not your war
Set your sights,
Set your sights to North
Press on, press on
This is not your escape,
This is not your escape
Wash away what they thought of you
Lock your sights, press on
‘Cause in this place we’re all as good as dead
…end cycle
‘Cause in this place we’re all as good as dead
…end cycle, press on
Behind the glass you’ll find yourself alone
It’s not the end of the road,
the end of the road for you

At the end of the road
You’ll find what you’ve been longing for
You’ll find what you’ve been longing for
You’ll find what you’ve been longing for

This is my bright hope for tomorrow. The end of the road. The rejoicing. The hope.

Posted in Girl-ness, Relationship | 1 Comment

Cold and Broken Hallelujah

Posted on November 7, 2009 by Gracie

So, it’s been a pretty difficult week. All the things in my life seem to have imploded in on themselves. I”m not going to lie, I feel like an extremely radioactive element that’s been spitting out little pieces of neutron at an astounding rate. The things that actually weigh anything in my life have been breaking up into little pieces and flown around like a bunch of flying neutron pieces.

This morning I started out my day with the lyric of a song. “Love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.” I’ve been thinking about this rather intensely and I’ve decided it’s utter truth. Love isn’t a victory march. It’s not when the battle is over and everyone is hale and hearty and the conflict is all gone. That’s not how it works. It’s work. It’s pain. It’s sacrifice. It beats you down to the ground and makes you bleed all over the carpet. It’s cold and it’s broken. It’s a hallelujah, however. The definition of Hallelujah is Praise God. Love is praising God even when the world is crashing down around you and it feels like there’s absolutely no hope for the future. Love is when you’ve been beaten and bruised but even through it all you can still say “praise God”. Love is worth it.

All this that I’m experiencing. It’s God’s love. And even though life is dealing me a pretty difficult hand, I can still believe in God’s love and praise him because love isn’t just about the good times. It’s about the bad times and the worse times and the worst times. If love was about the victory march, then we would be a lonely loveless hate-filled society. Hallelujah for Love.

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Death

Posted on November 6, 2009 by Gracie

In light of recent personal and national events, I’ve been thinking about death quite a bit… The one thing that I keep coming back to is… how can you hear about these people dying and see their loved ones and be a loved one and not feel icky all over because someone that they treasured in their life is gone and they’re never going to come back. How do you cope with the fact that there’s an empty hole now that that person used to fill but now they can’t. What about their hopes and dreams, what happens to those now? Do they poof into oblivion? Do they get buried with the person? Do they take them to the afterlife? What about those people that died at Fort hood? If you read the articles about them, they were all bubbly and cheerful and happy people. What happens to all that happiness? It’s gone and we can’t get it back. We need happy people. We need those people.

All I can say to comfort myself and everyone else is that God has a purpose for everyone and everything. And sometimes weeks suck and sometimes you lose the ones you love, but through it all God is in control and has a master plan. And God doesn’t deviate.

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Nanowrimo

Posted on October 27, 2009 by Gracie

So, I’m going to embark upon the nanowrimo journey. For those of you who don’t know, Nanowrimo stands for National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel before midnight on November 30th. You start from scratch(as in not writing any of the actual story before November 1st(that means you can outline and plan to your hearts desire before hand)) If you finish the challenge and update it on the website(http://www.nanowrimo.org) before midnight they’ll give you a downloadable certificate and you have a manuscript to a novel. :D

I”m pretty jazzed. I’m going to be so sleep deprived. It’s going to be so worth it though. I might put severe restrictions on my facebook though. probably a good thing.

Posted in Girl-ness | 1 Comment

Bleah

Posted on October 20, 2009 by Gracie

I feel like crap. I’m sick. I haven’t gone to school yet this week. I’m gonna go back tomorrow… I’m pretty sure… granted I don’t feel like crap again. grrr… I hate being sick.

I’m going to have so much make-up homework, it’s not even funny! GAH! I hate this.

Posted in Random Anecdotes | 3 Comments