Monster

Monster

The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can’t hold it

It’s scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can’t control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can’t control it
‘Cause if I let him out he’ll tear me up, break me down
Why won’t somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It’s hiding in the dark, it’s teeth are razor sharp
There’s no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it’s just a dream
Maybe it’s inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I’ve gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

So, yeah I’m really feeling this song right now. I don’t know if it’s a teenager thing or what, But i really don’t feel comfortable in my own skin right now. just, some of the things I do, say, think. It just makes me uneasy with myself. I can honestly say I don’t like part of who I’ve become. And then there’s the whole my body is changing in a way that It never has before and it freaks me out every time I walk by a mirror because all of a sudden I’m not a little girl any more. I used to be freakishly excited when people who didn’t know me thought I was way older then I am, but now I don’t like it. I am confused enough as an adolescent in a 16 year old body without people thinking that I’m 23. It freaks me out. And all of the sudden I’m a 16 year old girl with responsibilities all of the sudden heaped onto my shoulders about who I want to be and where I want to go and the people I want to hang out with and where…. it’s a lot to process. As of right now I don’t particularly like some of the choices I’ve made about who I want to be and who I want to hang out with and where. What kind of person would I be if I had chosen to stay with the band crowd and hadn’t gotten involved with the “Emo kids” or the “Goth kids” or whatever you labelers call my friends… I probably would be a different person. Right now I have the confidence of saying I’m where God wants me to be… maybe…. see, I can’t even say I’m where God wants me to be, because I got here by doing things that make me ashamed in front of God. So sin shapes us as much as God does…? It’s all so confusing. I suppose God takes our failures and is illuminated in them…. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Well, I’m weak. Anybody seeing God’s power?

Don’t think that I’m doubting God right now, I’m just severely confused about. Me and where I fit in in God’s plan for my life and how God affects my life. I need to do some soul-searching this christmas season.