the “I haven’t been on in weeks” ketchup post.

I have numerous things to blog about currently.

#1

“(verse 1)saviour I come, quiet my soul. Remember. Redemptions hill, where your blood was spilled for my ransom. (prechorus)Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss. (Chorus) Lead me to the cross where your love poured out. bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Oh, lead me… lead me to the cross. (verse 2)You were as I, tempted and tried, Human. The word became flesh, bore my sin in death, now you’re risen. (Prechorus)(Chorus)(Bridge)to your heart, to your heart, lead me to your heart.” “lead me to the cross” by Brooke Fraser

Some one please define a good worship service for me. last sunday I was told that the worship service was going to be really good. It was good songs, it was good words, it was good music…. but I couldn’t get into it because there was something inbetween me and God. The words of the song weren’t what my heart was needing to say at the time. I got home that sunday and holed up in the conservatory with my piano and played and sang the above mentioned song over and over and over again. At the end of my own personal worship time my heart had said what it needed to say and all the damage that had happened over my three weeks of not going to church was mended. Why does this happen? Whay are some worship services better then others? Isn’t the whole point of worship to glorify God’s name? Can’t you do that with any kind of song? deep down I know the answer to this question, but it’s a very vague answer and I don’t know how to put it into words, even in my own mind. There’s something about “quiet my soul” that makes me…. sincere… and then the rest just comes because right from the beginning I was quiet before God. utterly confused by this.

#2

Anarchism makes me extremely mad. In my English class my group is working on a project where we have to parrallel. George Orwell’s animal farm, and Buchini’s philisophical essay Anarchism. Anarchism in short words is “authority is evil, get rid of it. Equality is good, as is freedom. Worship equality and freedom instead of a higher power”. This guy contradicts himself. He tosses around the word “religion” without fully understanding the true meaning of the word. He, in his own philisophical essay, takes advantage of loopholes. he creates this eutopic society that doesn’t allow for human nature. He promotes the brainwashing of children, and not freedom of thought(even though he worships the ideas of freedom, liberty, and equality). He believes that people will be more than willing to drop their “religion”, a.k.a. christianity, at the drop of a hat because “Oh my Gosh! Liberty is definately more worth worshiping than an all-powerful, all knowing, caring, providing, God!”. This “philosipher” basically drew up the blue prints for disaster. Anarchy doesn’t work. Cutting out God doesn’t work. Cutting out social classes doesn’t work. Liberty and freedom are not free. Equality is just a nearly impossible dream. Eutopia crashed and burned in the garden of Eden. The deed has been done, there isn’t any going back now. Why of WHY do I always end up playing devils advocate for things? Sunday school I had to debate on the side of Evolution(I spent all morning thinking of ways I could tear apart my own and the other evolutionist’s arguments.). In civics I had to capaign for Barack Obama. In English I have to give reasons as to why anarchism and in essence atheism is the right way to go…. If I felt like I had a freedom of speech at school, I would be in a colossal theological/political argument with every single Liberal in that school who even dares to call themselves “informed”. Geez, sometimes I wish I didn’t think so much.

#3

Inheritence cycle. How many times am I going to predict things and it end up being true? “Okay, I’m just gonna throw this out there. Do you honestly think that it’s a complete coincidence that every rider that we know both color of dragon and magic has had them both be the same color? as a writer, I kind of know how plots are developed. You don’t just make stuff like that happen and not have a purpose behind it. CP really likes to drop hints, you just have to be able to read the hints right and you can predict all of the major plot turns. 

I think the next rider is Arya because(with Oromis dead) the only two people who know the dragon rider secrets are Eragon(with Glaedr’s heart of hearts) and Galbatorix. Galbatorix isn’t just going to hand over all the secrets of the dragon rider to any of the varden, so(assuming the next rider is good) the only person left to teach the new rider would be Eragon and Glaedr. There is still an unresolved relationship issue between Eragon and Arya. Eragon being put over Arya as her teacher would even out the age and power difference between them and open a door for a relationship once Arya has been trained. 

Also, Deathwatch. The two dragons above are Sapphira and Arya’s green dragon. The riders leave alagaesia to let the land run its course without the interference of dragons. The man that’s left behind is either Roran or Murtagh. Thorn will have died, either taking Murtagh with him or leaving murtagh dragon-less. ” I posted this on facebook. that’s why there are quotes around it…. If I’m right(which there is a really high chance I am) then I pwn all you fools that dare oppose my insight. Do not tempt me to get even more proof that I’m correct.

Posted in Girl-ness | 5 Comments

memory unloading.

I have a memory that I really need to get out. Aiight, Summer 2007 my church went to Access in KC. It was a lot of fun for the first half of the week. The sessions were pretty intense though. Reggie dabs was one of the speakers there. He started talking about getting rid of the past and starting fresh. He really stressed who we serve. I don’t know why that totally hit my heart but it did. There’s something about a 900 teenagers screaming “Jesus” over and over again that just breakes my heart. I broke down in tears and kept on thinking “If only someone would give me a hug, if only someone would give me a hug”. I prayed and told God that I would really love a hug if he could just give me one. Dabs then encouraged us to take whatever is in our past, pack it into a snow ball and throw it as hard as we can. At this point in my life I wasn’t anorexic anymore, but I still identified myself as anorexic. I ate food, but I still thought of myself as anorexic… very demoralising. Well, anyway, I was sobbing over the whole thousand voices screaming Jesus when he told us to get rid of what is holding us back in our past. Tears pouring down my face, I walked up to the front along with dozens of other teenagers and packed anorexia into a very tight ball…. and threw it as far as the east is from the west. I felt so free. tears of relief and happiness were also flooding down my face, my body was shaking at the nearness of God, because I threw my problem physically, but God threw it spiritually… I was on my way back to my seat when a perfect stranger reached out and wrapped me into a hug. I just stood there for three minutes in the arms of a stranger, shaking, sobbing on their shoulder. I finally thanked them and headed back for my seat. The thank you that I gave to her was prolly the most sincere thank you I’ve ever given. She was like my own personal answer to prayer. She was my shoulder to cry on when I really needed one. She was willing to step out of her comfort zone and do something for me that even my closest friends couldn’t do. Nothing can explain why that person stepped out and gave a stranger a hug except the prompting of God. I got back to my seat and my Brother Dan wrapped me in another hug. for the remaining half hour of the service I clung to my brother and sang “there is a God who loves me. Who wraps me in his arms. and that is the place where I’m found, that’s where I belong. Take me to that place, Lord. To that secret place where I can be with you, and you can make me like you. Wrap me in your arms, wrap me in your arms, wrap me in your arms.” at the very end we sang “I am free” by the newsboys.

I just want to send out another very sincere Thank you to the stranger that gave me a hug. I cry every time I think about this memory.

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happy new year…. not!

I hate the new year! I hate it with a passion. What’s the point of this holiday??? Honestly, it’s just an excuse hang out and get drunk…. oh wait…. I’m underage…. and all my friends are at a party I wasn’t invited to. What a retarded deal! Maybe I should just go shoot myself in the foot! Honestly, every new years eve I spend alone at my house watching every one else have the time of their life. Every one is all “OOOHHH you should make new years resolutions to pass the time!!!”…. to be honest, I do make new years resolutions. Every year I make a resolution. “don’t screw up again.” Well, you know how long that one lasts. My life is perfect…. except I keep on screwing myself over with dumb decisions that most of the time have serious consiquences. at every landmark that every one looks on with anticipation of a new phase of life I’m cringing with dread. It hasn’t always been this way. I used to hope and pray that the next phase will be better than the last…. after a whole lot of disappointment I stopped doing that. It doesn’t get any better. Life sucks, tell every one. Landmarks are like that one really mean great aunt that you have to see once a year. You spend all year dreading her coming…. and then she’s worse than you could imagine… every year. I know that tomorrow I’m going to wake up and be like “why was I freaking out about this?”… and then I’ll get in a mess and I’ll be like “oh yeah, that’s why. so much for the clean slate you MORON!!!!”…

Long story short… I hate new years. I hate the feeling of total incompetence. I hate watching everyone optomistically fly by me. I hate trying to forget it’s new years eve… I hate celebrating impending doom. I hate being so frickin’ lonely on a holiday that only exists for the sake of hanging with friends. I hate new years resolutions, because they’re always going to get broken no matter what. I hate feeling completely and totally insignificant because I’m alone. I hate people who think everything’s okay, but it’s not, they just want to believe everything’s okay because they don’t want to deal with the issue. I hate having the issue in the first place. I hate having to lie to people because if I don’t they’ll flip out and smother me. I hate overly nice people who accomodate the need, not try to solve the problem. I hate all those fluffy words that sound nice but don’t mean anything. I hate my stupid pride that makes it so hard for me to admit I need help. I’m going to hate all the concerned comments that end up on this post. I’m going to hate the years that pass by me. I hate the fact that time doesn’t heal all wounds. I hate the fact that a couple of stupid decisions in my life can ruin the whole thing. I hate it that I can’t ascape into a book because for some reason people want to hear about people with problems. I hate stupid teenage romance because all it does is rip holes in hearts and makes onlookers cringe in horror as people they love self-destruct. I hate love because it’s abused and broken and mistaken for other things. I hate peace because with peace comes arrogance. I hate arrogance because… news flash YOU”RE NOT BETTER THAN ME!!!! I hate organized religion because it comes with a lot of negative steriotypes. I hate steriotypes because it makes people get stuck on the outside. I hate shallowness(honestly, you think y0u’re having a hard time because you can’t get those boots in brown… GET A LIFE!!!! I’m having a mini seizure over here because I’m reminiscing all the things that I did this past year that could have killed me!!!)

on a happier note, I love God. In all honesty I’m not alone on new years eve. I’ve got God. which is good and bad. Bad because we’ve been through every single mistake together…. and he reminds me of all the times I’ve epically failed… but good because we made it through. 

Please don’t comment…. I really do mean it.

no seriously, that would cause one more problem for me to deal with.

And don’t think that nice comments are okay…. they’re not. I honestly don’t care what you have to say in response to my hate-ness.

Posted in Girl-ness | 5 Comments

teenage fiction

HAH! I’m currently laughing at all those novels depicting highschool a this incredibly cliquish horrid experience where everyone is fighting for the top…. HAH! shows how much middle aged women know about highschool. Just so you know, Highschool is a lovely experience, that, with the right attitude, can go VERY smoothly. Take me, for example. I don’t let any stupid jocks rain on my parade. I don’t get caught up in fickle romance, I don’t choose friends that randomly get mad at me for no reason. Sure, I tease people, but it’s all in good taste. There are “cliques” but they’re not segregated… i.e. they freely mingle with eachother. I”m pretty much happy, as of right now. If there is an excess of drama, it prolly has to do with the hot German guy with the sexy accent…. or maybe the kid that’s stuck on himself, and doesn’t think of anyone elses property above his own wellfare. or maybe it’s the creepy love triangle that you’re in the middle of(not a part of, mind you)

basically, there is drama… if you go looking for it. Life is good today.

Posted in Girl-ness | 5 Comments

Christmas Cheer!

HO HO HO(Happy ‘Olidays, Happy ‘Olidays, Happy ‘Olidays)….. or should I just say merry christmas, because I might offend some of you with the phrase “happy ‘olidays”.  I just spent the afternoon setting up christmas decorations. I’m actually starting to get in the mood for christmas. This past week it’s just been “ick, snow. snow ick. ick ick, snow” (and those of you who know me can testify to the fact  I actually did say that). Frankly, I think that it should snow the day before christmas eve, enjoy the snow for christmas, have a snowball fight for christmas day, have it all thaw for break, then steadily snow storm through january. then have it abruptly stop in february, and by the time my birthday rolls around the trees are budding again…. the way the should be on the 2nd day of spring(I love being the only person in my family born in the spring :) lol)

Okay, that’s my christmas cheer(kinda depressing isn’t it… all that talk of snow…) Now I don’t ever have to blog about it ever(that is untill next year) Buy me tons of gifts. I really like fun socks that go all the way up to my knee….(hint hint wink wink) yeah, JK.

Posted in Random Anecdotes | 3 Comments

You say….

You say you don’t believe in miracles,

that everything is a science,

You leave everything to time and chance.

You say there isn’t a God,

that man is god of themselves,

You live for yourself alone.

What about the dead man who lives?

Story upon story about people,

People who according to science should be dead,

But aren’t.

How can science explain what existed before time?

Before science even existed.

How come thousands have died,

because they took my side of this fight?

Why would they give their life for this “myth”

Thousands of years,

Thousands of People,

all un-explained by science.

But it can be explained.

Explained by the one thing man is afraid of.

There is a God.

Posted in Relationship, Religion | 3 Comments

*A shout out to girls who have body image issues*

Okay girls, Listen to the voice of experience.. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! I know that’s weird coming from a total stranger but, it’s true. Whatever you do, don’t do things to your body because it isn’t what you think it should be. I’ve been there, done that. It’s not worth it. In the end you just have a wasted body and a lot of problems to deal with. The reason why I’m writing this, is because two years ago(to the day) I became aware of the fact I hadn’t eaten in three years in a very disgusting way. (I found out what half digested chicken sandwich and fries looks like). My… realization led to a really long journey that included a trip to hell and back. At the lowest point I was considering suicide and boulemia, because my tummy hurt so much because I’d actually had FOOD! Just a warning against starting… It’s been two years and I’m still not over it completely. I have my days… and my weeks, where things are bad and I feel like I can’t eat anything. And the culture I live in stresses the fact that people are thin, or fat or whatever. You go to a grocery store and you see magazines that have headlines like “guess who’s had lipo?”. Please realize that it wasn’t untill recently that anorexic thin was attractive. Actually, a news flash (shh…. no wait tell everyone you know) ANOREXIC THIN ISN”T ATTRACTIVE!!!!! Geez, if I wanted to see internal organs I would become a sergeon. And I know that usually it doesn’t get that far, but just realize what you’re doing to your body. Did you know that people with Eating disorders get a fine layer of hair all over their body to keep them warm because they don’t have a natural insulator(fat)? did you know that a woman needs 17-20 % body fat(20% being a minimum for some women) to have regular menstrual cycles? Did you know that when your body  uses up all your stored nourishment it will start taking the stuff it needs to function from your muscles? Did you know that your stomoch will start to digest your internal organs after a short period of time without food? I’m not saying this to scare you, just to show you that eating disorders are not pretty. 

body image issues don’t just hurt you, it hurts your friends and family too. And if there is someone in your life that is telling you that you’re less than beautiful… DUMP THEM!!! I don’t care if it’s your best friend or the guy you’ve been dating for four years. If they are making you feel bad about yourself, they don’t deserve you!!! You are beautiful, and precious. Find people to be around who are supportive of what you are NOW not what you could be if you shed a few pounds.

I don’t know if you’re a Christian or not, but I’m going to tell you that I wouldn’t be around today without God. The truth is, during those painful nights I was visited by the worst boogie monster anyone can imagine. Very rarely does the spiritual world spill into the physical world, but for a two months of my life, I battled with the boogie monster. (yes I’m talking about satan). Every night I would huddle in the corner and wait for the barrage on my mind to stop. It was thoughts… and the danger lurking in the shadows. Fear, in essence. But it was so many different levels of fear. I’m not even going to try to describe the feeling of utter helplessness. It was like every night there was one person advocating on the side of death and the other on the side of life. During those nights, I would read the Psalms. Whenever it thunder stormed I would go outside at night and cry and talk to God and get away from the monsters in my room. There’s a psalm that talks about God’s lightning lighting up the world and the mountains melting like wax before God’s awesomeness.  I clung to the promise that God was powerful enough to save me. And he did. I’m still alive and blogging. 

If you’re out there feeling alone, feel free to e-mail me at graciespacie@yahoo.com

~Grace

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Time, there’s only so much of it.

Don’t you hate it when people expect you to have all the time in the world, when really you’re crunching? I feel like that’s happening to me right now… why must I have a social life, as well as go to school? by the time I get home I am all peopled out, and then people expect me to interact with them…. I feel like I’m pouring out all my politeness at school, and then when I get home it’s all gone. sadness. It wouldn’t be so bad if there wasn’t so much drama going on. at school AND at home…. and church…. It’s frustrating… and stressfull. Why can’t I just stay in my room and do nothing for all my days? Why must I waste my energy by watching that movie with the Youth group? What’s the importance of thanksgiving with the family? Do I have to leave my room for supper? can’t I just stay in there and pretend like I’m the only one here?

Okay, that was a look into my mind for this week. Maybe you’ll be able to decifer what’s going on better than I can. lol.

~grace(stressed OUT!!! SCREAM~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Posted in Girl-ness | 2 Comments

Don’t get too comfy :)

I know I know I know. I’m posting twice in a day. I just had to get this down before it flew.

What if God gives us dry spots because we’re getting too comfortable where we’re at? I mean, isn’t it important for us to be constantly growing in our relationship with God? Somewhere in my journal it says “When ppl stop reaching out, they stop growing” People keep stressing about their quiet times and praying before meals and all their personal stuff that they leave out the actual progressing of the kingdom of God. I don’t like to think of my bible reading time as a chore or something I have to do, I like to think of it as preparing for the next time someone asks me a question about God. I can’t answer a question about God in the right way unless I’m in tune with God myself. Not only is the answer not neccisarily the correct one, it’s kind of hypocritical. When you get too comfortable and start to get lazy, that’s when God withdraws and say “It’s time for you too get re-focused”. 

So, Instead of asking questions of God, we should ask questions of ourselves(don’t even bother telling me that that’s from the movie “one night with the king” Joshua, I am aware.). What do WE need to be doing to get our relationship with God on track? maybe we’ve gotten too comfortable with just sitting and waiting for things to happen(does not apply to relationships(last time I checked persuing a physical relationship didn’t classify as progressing the kingdom of God)). So, Get off your butt! Get out there and do stuff for God. You aren’t feeling it because you’re comfortable. Get out of your comfort zone, and there’s room for God to show you new stuff and help you learn. I’m not saying I’m an expert at this, I’m just suggesting we try new things together. So, my challenge to you is to get off your butt, and out of your comfort zone. Maybe you’ll learn something about yourself and about God.

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“You’re happily single???”

Yes, I did have someone say that to me today. Why does it always surprise people that I’m happy with my life? people are always talking about their boyfirends and their ex-boyfriends and who’s dating who. I don’t care! And I’d rather not be gossip fodder. But seriously, why does it surprise people that I’m trying to retain what innocence that I have left. I know that a boyfriend isn’t going to fulfill my needs. I know that God has a plan for my life,and I know that when God has a man for me, he’ll plop him in my lap. Some things you have to work at, and others are just divinely inspired. I wouldn’t have my amazing musical ability if I hadn’t worked for seven long laborious years to get here. My way of “practicing” at relationships, is saving myself for one. Like, what would happen if ten years down the road the perfect man comes down the road and all four of my brothers like him. That’s like a green like from God, right? What if he looked at my track record and said “I don’t like the fact that you dated five guys in highschool”… that would triggor a really long idiotic and most likely painful conversation about past relationships. What’s the point? Why not let God take care of things, and just sit back and wait for the perfect guy to fall out of the sky? I guess in today’s culture it’s a sign of “being accepted” or cool-ness to have a significant someone. I think it’s a sign of maturity to live in a culture like this and NOT partake of it. It’s hard to have a relationship with someone, but it’s even harder to NOT have a relationship with someone when every one is pushing you towards it. It helps that I’m not a sucker for peer pressure though ;)

Well, that’s my little note for the day(just so you know, regularity is coming, I promise)

~Grace

Posted in Girl-ness, Relationship | 4 Comments