Hello Again

Confession: I haven’t posted in a really long time. Mainly because I’ve been super stressed and busy loaded. It’s not that I haven’t thought of you guys(pats self on back) I am constantly getting ideas for a new blog. The problem is that I fall asleep before I can get to writing. Epic fail on my part, right. I blame the government.

No, but life has been good lately. Despite the overabundance of drama. I have had virtually no homework! And I’m getting B+ in my AdvAlgD class. A WORLD RECORD!!! Hooray for me. If this post comes out weird it’s probably because I’m in Health class and the formatting is going crazy. Speaking of Health class, I had to watch this movie called FoodInc…. basically it was just demonizing food producers and spreading widespread panic at “what’s really in the food” and then they had this poor mom come up with her sob story about how her son died from food poisoning. Yeah, okay, I admit that food poisoning is an issue…. but maybe you should just, I don’t know, eat at places that actually cook their meat instead of just slapping it onto your tray. wow, what a novel idea.

I am particularly mad about this movie because it paints the food industry as this gigantic corporation that is robotic and doesn’t care about the people at all. well, in case you didn’t notice, people, they’re kind of giving you your sustanance. you really don’t have the liberty of “picking and choosing” food is food. you kind of have to eat what thy throw at you. They also have this push for legislation that can change the standard and whatnot…. frankly, everything the government touches turns to horse crap…. you don’t want your food to turn into horse crap, do you?

Posted in Girl-ness, Politics | 3 Comments

introvert

okay ixnay on the vlogging idea. Why you may ask? I’m not out there. I’m not an extroverted “in your face” type of person. so where I’m fine hiding behind these words, I can’t show my face and perform for people. alone.

so I just got back from a school not my own’s jazz night. there was in fact swing dancing! fun, right? well… duh. but I’m sure I would have had as much fun as every one else…. if I had been

Interlude: my friend just came in with a box of pasta saying “hey how bout this stuff. It’s mini” ROFLOL!!!!!!

out there and in peoples bidness…. maybe I’d have been asked to dance…. well… no, probably not. I’m rather known for my boy repellent at school. I think it has to do with my severe unhingedness(aka awesomeness) that has to do with touching boys. I used to be okay with it, but now I can’t even hold hands with guys I’ve known since kindergarten. probably a good thing I didn’t dance.

oh, and I got my ears double pierced yesterday.

Posted in Girl-ness, Relationship | 2 Comments

Vlogging

So, as the title suggests, i am going to try my hand at vlogging. It’s a new year full of oportunities that include the amazing peace that I have found comes from being in a car all by ones self…. whilst driving. hooray for getting a license! Anyway, I was bored after all my friends left me today, so I dug out my dad’s old brand new video camera that he ditched once he found out it doesn’t record on tape(what a noob!lol) and has had lying in his closet for like, a year and a half. so basically I’m hijacking it and taking it for a spin. Hope it goes well! Right now I”m not so sure, I get kind of camera shy :( and the installation of computer program is going VERY slow…

waiting

waiting

learning a lesson on patience right here.

Posted in Girl-ness | Leave a comment

bittersweet 16

So yah, here’s the exciting thing. It’s my sweet 16! Not happy part….. government takeover of health care on my sweet 16. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!! Insult to injury here, congress! Not only are you planning on taxing the life out of me, a really young… idk “business” owner… perhaps aspiring young business owner, but you’re also doing it on a birthday that is supposed to be happy. Come on, have you no decency? I didn’t even get to to vote you in, and a decision that will be affecting me for probably the rest of my life was made…. without my concent!!!! Home of the free, my ass. I have no rights in this situation. I am a minor that thinks independantly and if I may say so quite informedly, and you don’t have the decency to ask what I want for my life. Frankly scarlett, I was perfectly fine with growing up in the America that Bush “left”. It was certainly closer to the Original that what “the annointed one” has planned for me. And what the heck is this about Obama planning my future for me? I thought that was my job.

Now I know that some people are going to wig out on me and tell me that I’m over-reacting and that in the long run this is a good thing and socialism is a good thing….. welll here take it this way. I want to go to college and get my bachelors degree, right? I’m an aspiring young entrepreneur after all. I am also a hard worker who doesn’t want to rely on other people for means to do said college. I get accepted into college and low and behold, I can’t afford it because I’m getting my ass taxed off because I’m paying for the bum on the corner’s thousands of dollars worth of healthcare. Well, I myself am perfectly healthy and haven’t been to the doctor since freshman year when I got on some $25 monthly medication. Might I add that this medication is not mandatory and I could drop it at any moment and live a cheaper, though less comfortable life and be none the worse for ware. Why would I need health insurence? I’m healthy. I’ve never had a serious illness in all what…. 20 at this time years of my life. I’m in the blush of youth? Why would I want or need healthcare? Oh wait, I don’t get the gov’t healthcare, so I have to pay a fine because of the stupid bill. wow, that majorly blows. You’re telling me that I have to pay for something I don’t want regardless of whether I need it or not? sounds like freedom to me! Oh so you’re making me pay for medical care that I don’t need….. through taxes….. so, who’s using that money? some hobo on wellfare with the sniffles. that a real investment of my hard earned money!

oh well, since all my hard earned dough is going to wellfare with the sniffles, I don’t have money for college. so basically it’s get money from someone else(I refuse) to go to school, or have a mediocre job with less then mediocre pay that gets taken away by the gov’t in the end anyway. wow, sounds like we’re holding out for bright hopes here in America! Basically, if you’re hard working and have any shreds of dignity you get screwed over by this healthcare fiasco.

And all on my 16th Birthday too. Wow.

And I simply related how this is going to affect me, not the rest of the populace, namely old people. You think doctors are going to keep accepting medicade patients after this? Heck no. they lose money whenever they treat a government patient. because the government is in debt. so old people don’t get treated. and old people are the ones that actually NEED Healthcare. for pete’s sake, the stupidity of the liberal mind never ceases to amaze me. Seriously, who’s genious was this “I know, let’s take the healthcare away from the old people who need it and give it to the young people who don’t need or want it.” wow. Real smart there Liberals. I applaud you for that act of stupidity. You do realise that this brilliant thinking will make medicine a unprofitable profession now. Seriously, who’s going to collect a hundred thousand in debt when they’re going to be paying it off untill the apocolypse? even worse, they’re going to be collecting more debt. who’s going to absorb the insufficient funding from the government? um yah, not going to happen. so the result is a lack of specialty doctors. namely ob/gyn docs. okay, so first you take health care away from the old people and give it to the young, and then you run the only docs that the young people would need to go to (lady and baby docs) out of town. another stroke of…. genious? not hardly. so basically if you have a little sniffle, you’ll live cuz you can go to the doctor(well, you would’ve lived without the doctor, for pete’s sake ITS A SNIFFLE!!!!!!) but if you have something actually deadly (cancer, pregnancy gone bad, heart problems, etc.) you’re screwed. Good luck finding a doc.

Oh, and who gets to decide who lives and dies? The doctors. they’ve gotta be thinking about whether it’s worth it keeping some people alive.

the minute man decides who lives and who dies is the minute man decides who’s God. I don’t want to live in a world where some doctor holds the decision to pull the plug on me or a loved one. Last time I checked humans were about keeping everyone alive, no matter how worthless they are. that’s what separates us from the animals. that’s what makes us better. But apparently Liberals are all about making man merely animals. evolved from animals, act like animals, die like animals. It’s sick.

and it’s on my sweet 16.

at least I can get my license soon so I can drive to Canada and hide in the forrest.

Posted in Politics | 2 Comments

Rec Night

So my youth group is having a Rec Night this saturday, right. Well, I had this brilliant idea! Use social networking sites to invite people to it! So, like any facebook-addicted person, I made an event on facebook and invited everyone that was in the age range that was in my friends list.

You would not believe how hard it was for me to click every single person in my friends list. So many times I kept thinking “Oh I’m going to offend this person” or “my christian friends wouldn’t like that person” or “I’m not sure if I want them to see that I’m a religious fanatic”… well, I’m happy to say that even though I was thinking those things, I clicked on their names anyway. Anyway, last night I was praying for the event and I was just in awe cuz I had just invited 50 people to it. So I prayed and prayed that everyone would come and everyone would be receptive and that it would all just go over well. Well, I have one of my friends already saying yes, they will go. so I guess the facebook endeavor was a success!

I love it how going to any extent is worth one person coming. ya know? That’s awesome! I know that if someone went to this great extent to get me to hang out with them and all this stuff and when I finally said yes, they had a gigantic party and felt like their life was finally complete…. I’d be totally stoked. Well, here’s the thing. God did that for us. He went to great extents to get us to hang out with him. And whenever someone accepts his invitation and comes to the party, his day is made. His “life” is made, so to speak.

Just my thought for the day. God cares. I care. I can’t wait or people to realize just how big the caring is and how far it reaches out.

Posted in Relationship, Religion | 5 Comments

New Thing?

Yeah, so one of my good ol’ friends, Klassickayla is doing this “Do a new thing every day” thing. So it’s pretty cool she does cool stuff like eat wasabi peas and fly kites and watch awesome movies with yours truly…. well. Here’s how the story goes. (click on her name to get her side of the story!) We were sitting in Mcdonalds after Youth Group like we always do, and she’s like “Hey Grace, I need something new to do today.” So we’re all like “You should dance in the middle of Mcdonalds!”

Well, she didn’t go for that, but she did go for riding cargo in my Dad’s Suburban. So we were sitting back there where there’s a shovel and a blanket and some old pieces of wood from making campfires and we see this absolutely amazing car. It’s a station wagon! Woot! Anyways we had fun oogling it, but it was really slow, so we passed it right away(this story is starting to sound like my emo kid story, so I’m going to spice it up) Then we started talking about relationships.

I can honestly say I’ve never had an intense conversation with someone while huddled up in the back of my dad’s monster suburban. Expecially not one that is so important for teenagers, girls especially, to talk about.

Basically we talked about having friends who can look past themselves and be genuine and care about each other. I am humbled by the fact that someone from the outside coming in thinks that my youth group has those kind of people. I remember when I was just coming into youth group and was thrust into this incredibly clicky system where everyone was a certain way and if you weren’t a certain way then they wouldn’t be bff with you. You kind of had to have an outgoing personality to be even noticed. Me being a shy 6th grader at the time, I was not outgoing by any means. So I got pushed to the side to watch. Thinking about how far we’ve come since then just humbles me. I don’t even know how it happened that I turned into the one that decides how newcomers are treated. When did I become the one that either makes or breaks someone’s Youth Group experience? I don’t remember when I became so…. influential? When I became the big kid in the “In” group.

This leads to another topic that was discussed in the back of the truck. When did I grow up? When did I realize that I’m not the little girl that aimlessly walks down the middle of the street, unaware that a car could come careening around the corner and hit me? When did I realize that I’d grown up? How did it happen, and how can I undo it? The scary part is, I can’t undo the fact that I’m 16 years old and have nothing substantial to say about my life. I think that in the past year I’ve made more of myself then I’ve made in all the 15 years before that. and even still, when it all adds up, I’m just a bit of sand on a beach. How does this happen? How does one lose so much of their childhood? when does one wake up from a blissful dream and realize they’ve wasted half their life dreaming about the astro-turf on the other side?

In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’m utterly befuddled by this.

Thoughts, comments, concerns, critisism? I’m open to comments(Comments, not spam.) so have at it, I’ll try to respond as soon as I can.

btw! Check out Kayla’s blog at KlassicKayla.wordpress.com ***thumbs up***

Posted in Girl-ness, Relationship | 5 Comments

a Tidbit and a Song

So here’s a little tidbit. One of my students was really crabby tonight and actually started crying in the middle of the lesson because she didn’t practice, and I was making her play her songs anyway. I kind of feel like an ogre!

“Lay Down My Guns”
Sanctus Real

Well I just need a place to lay my head
Forget the chain that hangs around my neck
These guns are not as heavy as the hearts they defend
I can’t wait to get back home where I can find some rest

When I lay down my guns and lift my hands
Surrender to Love and live again
May this desert reach its end where my new life begins
When I lay down my guns and lift my hands

And I have seen the devil in this place
And I lost myself when my friends found the grave
When you’re this far from Heaven
It’s hard to keep the faith
I’m barely holding on
I can’t wait to

Lay down my guns and lift my hands
Surrender to Love and live again
May this desert reach its end where my new life begins
When I lay down my guns and lift my hands

And I’m laying down these burdens
Taking off the weights
And I can’t count the miles that I’ve walked to find my way
To lay down these guns
How I need to lay down these guns

Lay down my guns and lift my hands
Surrender to Love and live again
May this desert reach its end where my new life begins
And I’ll abandon my defenses and live to love again
When I lay down my guns and lift my hands

Lay down
Lay down
Lay down my guns

I like this song. It’s astute and makes one think. comment please and tell me what you think.

Posted in For the Love of Music | 2 Comments

Love Story

There were so many things I did.
So many choices I made.
They didn’t seem to affect me
but my thoughts were purely selfish.
I didn’t think about you
or the knife I’d plunged in your back.
The pain it gave you to see me
ruin my life and sell myself
for a fraction of my worth.
It had nothing to do with my independance
and everything to do with my identity.
With every poor choice I made,
I mutated what you had made me,
and made it something else:
What everyone else wanted to see.
On the outside I effortlessly self-destructed.

But in reality,
it took everything I had to put one foot
in front of the other
knowing that I was going the wrong way.
With every twitch of a muscle
the memory of you stabbed my conscience.
It was painfully hard to move.
So scared of looking back and seeing
the painful road I’d taken.
Afraid of my guilty conscience.
Every step of the way,
all I wanted was to turn around.
To kick off the stiletto heels
wipe off the makeup
and run back to where I belonged.
Safe with you
wrapped in your arms.

Now I’m farther then I realized.
You seem so distant,
so far away.
Now I’m stuck here
afraid to go back,
unwilling to go forward.
My conscience is impossible to ignore.
Unthinkable to push into oblivion.
The memory of what was
is always standing beside me.
Watching me waste away.
Agonizing as I give and give
give pieces of my identity.
Pieces that can never be recollected
restored, glued back into place.

Here I stand,
staring at a memory
yearning to take but one step
to turn back the clock
and undo all the mistakes.
But still I am afraid.
Scared of rejection, condemnation.
Ashamed of the tatters I wear.
Humiliated by the grime and dirt.
Humbled by the burdens I’ve bound to myself.
The pressures begin to build.
My strength begins to fade.
Everything I’ve built for myself begins to crumble
and the weight is nearly crushing.
The tears begin to build
along with the apology in my soul.

Suddenly I’m falling
through the past,
beyond the mistakes
and into your arms.
Before me lies the road that I’d strayed from.
Behind me, in the distance,
lies the past year and a half.
You stand facing new beginnings,
your back to everything I’d done.
You begin to lead me forward
and contritely I follow,
still glancing behind.
I stammer and stutter
try to get the words out
that had been building up.
My apology, my explanation.
You don’t judge or condescend.

You forget.

Posted in Girl-ness, Relationship | 3 Comments

speechless

I cannot lie, I have no words to say. At least no words that can express how I’m feeling at the moment. I can try. Eagar, loved, yearning, hungry, discontent, happy, lucky, hopeful, hesitant, exultant, depressed, unmotivated, lucky once again.

One word for all of that? Perhaps conflicted. I am eagar to see what God is going to do in Youth Group in this next season. There are so many awesome things going down that are just so amazing, I want to be a part of it. But I don’t want to put myself “out there”…. ya know what I mean? I don’t want to go out of my way to get people to come to youth group. I know that sounds horrid, but that’s kind of where I’m at. I’m not motivated to do anything right now, actually. I’m blogging when I should be catching up on Advanced Algebra. The only reason why I’m blogging right now and not playing spider solitaire is because spider solitaire doesn’t numb the confusion, it just shoves it aside. I feel so weird for even admitting I’m confused on the inside, because around my friends I’m so self-assured and confident and so…. okay. But I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not “okay”. This doesn’t mean I need therapy and whatnot, this doesn’t even mean that I’m not happy with life. I’m very happy with not being okay. If I felt okay with where I’m at right now, I’d be even more not okay then I am right now.

God and me haven’t been that close lately. I’ve been discontented with my life because I don’t have God as a regular part of it. I really need to buckle down and not let go of the one thing that never moves……

Anyway, life is good right now because it’s finally slowing down. Here are the things that make life good. The snow is gone, it’s raining outside, spring break is a few weeks away, and with that, my sweet 16. I’m almost caught up in Algebra, my teachers are awesome, my friends are not fighting with each other, My show choir took first women’s at our last competition on saturday, jazz band on friday was amazing because everyone came together and I made some friends. I’m getting in control of my life once again and I have time to hang out. My parents are paying for my passport. There’s a happy one. I”m planning on going to Mexico this summer, I’m going to de-tassel on one of the best busses in Nebraska. I’m probably going to get more piano students. Things are simply looking up. I”m thoroughly enjoying this….

But you know what, I give such a different me to my friends then I give to myself. The me I show my friends is happy and chipper and quirky and okay. The kind of person you wouldn’t expect to have problems(friends, if you don’t agree with this, feel free to comment). But that’s not it at all. I’m just human. I feel so ethereal when I talk to my friends cuz I only show them what I think they want to see. and then I get home and I write a blog post and I’m beating myself up over it because I don’t want to have friends that I don’t let see the all of me. I want friends that see it all and love it all, no matter how ugly. I think I have friends like that, But I just don’t test the hypothesis.

In a way, I’m becoming more and more introverted, yet more and more extroverted. I’m a lot more agressive about making friends and interacting with others, but I’m secluding myself more and more. I withdraw into myself and I don’t talk about my probelms with a lot of people. Which is good, but I still feel slightly dishonest in doing that. Not that I should be sharing every single thing about me, but it’s like I have a lot of things that I feel define me, and when I don’t share it’s like I’m keeping a piece of me away from them. I guess it’s gotten better now. I don’t think that my past defines me as much as I used to. But I can’t lie that I don’t still think about my past and that i doesn’t affect my life.

Anyway, that’s just another look into my mind. I know, It’s convoluted. Welcome to the mind of a teenaged girl.

Posted in Girl-ness, Relationship | 2 Comments

French Class, once again

What is it with me and never doing what I’m supposed to in French Class? Well, today is legit. We have a sub, so me blogging is perfectly acceptable. As I asked to come up here. Anyway, the choice was either stay and watch a really boring and insipid movie in French or come up to the library and blog. I chose to blog.

Anywhoo, I am happy to announce that tonight is the beginning of Dare 2 Share. I’m super excited about what God’s going to do this weekend. It’s going to be hard getting through these last three classes. and lunch. wow. It’s gonna be pretty insane tonight. Our Youth Group doesn’t have a chick sponsor, and there are three of us girls going to dare 2 share and the accompanying lock-in. We get the nursery all top ourselves. It’s going to be wicked. mego rules. like I said. French Class.

Anyway, to sum up the last paragraph, I’m really really impatient to get to Dare 2 Share. I just want to get there and do it and get it done and have fun. This week has been unbelievably long.

So, apparently two nights ago I was yelling about a tummy ache in my sleep all night. I got the worst nights sleep ever. Cuz I would only sleep for a little bit and then I’d wake up to a tummy ache and then after a while fall back asleep again… only to repeat. My mom woke me up at 4am cuz she heard me yelling and was confuzzed. Anyway, to contrast the terrible night two nights ago, I had a wonderful night’s sleep last night. Except for the awkward dream where I was playing a real life rpg where I got chased by ax murderers for fun. Talk about stressful dream! But the reason why I say it was nice is because I slept the whole night through and I didn’t move at all in my sleep. I distinctly remember falling asleep with my knees bent on my side facing the wall with my hands folded in front of me, and a blanket over my head. Guess how I woke up? Talk about freaky! That’s never happened to me before.

Can’t wait for Dare 2 Share. Toodles. Pray for us this weekend.

Posted in Random Anecdotes | 2 Comments