speechless

I cannot lie, I have no words to say. At least no words that can express how I’m feeling at the moment. I can try. Eagar, loved, yearning, hungry, discontent, happy, lucky, hopeful, hesitant, exultant, depressed, unmotivated, lucky once again.

One word for all of that? Perhaps conflicted. I am eagar to see what God is going to do in Youth Group in this next season. There are so many awesome things going down that are just so amazing, I want to be a part of it. But I don’t want to put myself “out there”…. ya know what I mean? I don’t want to go out of my way to get people to come to youth group. I know that sounds horrid, but that’s kind of where I’m at. I’m not motivated to do anything right now, actually. I’m blogging when I should be catching up on Advanced Algebra. The only reason why I’m blogging right now and not playing spider solitaire is because spider solitaire doesn’t numb the confusion, it just shoves it aside. I feel so weird for even admitting I’m confused on the inside, because around my friends I’m so self-assured and confident and so…. okay. But I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not “okay”. This doesn’t mean I need therapy and whatnot, this doesn’t even mean that I’m not happy with life. I’m very happy with not being okay. If I felt okay with where I’m at right now, I’d be even more not okay then I am right now.

God and me haven’t been that close lately. I’ve been discontented with my life because I don’t have God as a regular part of it. I really need to buckle down and not let go of the one thing that never moves……

Anyway, life is good right now because it’s finally slowing down. Here are the things that make life good. The snow is gone, it’s raining outside, spring break is a few weeks away, and with that, my sweet 16. I’m almost caught up in Algebra, my teachers are awesome, my friends are not fighting with each other, My show choir took first women’s at our last competition on saturday, jazz band on friday was amazing because everyone came together and I made some friends. I’m getting in control of my life once again and I have time to hang out. My parents are paying for my passport. There’s a happy one. I”m planning on going to Mexico this summer, I’m going to de-tassel on one of the best busses in Nebraska. I’m probably going to get more piano students. Things are simply looking up. I”m thoroughly enjoying this….

But you know what, I give such a different me to my friends then I give to myself. The me I show my friends is happy and chipper and quirky and okay. The kind of person you wouldn’t expect to have problems(friends, if you don’t agree with this, feel free to comment). But that’s not it at all. I’m just human. I feel so ethereal when I talk to my friends cuz I only show them what I think they want to see. and then I get home and I write a blog post and I’m beating myself up over it because I don’t want to have friends that I don’t let see the all of me. I want friends that see it all and love it all, no matter how ugly. I think I have friends like that, But I just don’t test the hypothesis.

In a way, I’m becoming more and more introverted, yet more and more extroverted. I’m a lot more agressive about making friends and interacting with others, but I’m secluding myself more and more. I withdraw into myself and I don’t talk about my probelms with a lot of people. Which is good, but I still feel slightly dishonest in doing that. Not that I should be sharing every single thing about me, but it’s like I have a lot of things that I feel define me, and when I don’t share it’s like I’m keeping a piece of me away from them. I guess it’s gotten better now. I don’t think that my past defines me as much as I used to. But I can’t lie that I don’t still think about my past and that i doesn’t affect my life.

Anyway, that’s just another look into my mind. I know, It’s convoluted. Welcome to the mind of a teenaged girl.