Why Pity Parties are a Bad Idea

They don’t make you feel good. They make you feel worse.

All day I’ve been fighting self-pity. Fighting it. When usually I would give in and whine and get angry. But today I attempted(and semi-failed) to not give in.

I’m an idiot. I have terrible study habits. I’m still getting used to this whole college thing where you actually have to study for tests.

I came home from my evening class and test singing “Jesus loves me this I know, for my Psych test score tells me so”

I got a 92% and I crammed yesterday and procrastinated cramming more today. I took the test literally an hour before the test closed. I guessed on half the questions(An educated guess, of course). I did employ good test taking skills and I took the time to look over my answers a second time, but the fact remains that I don’t deserve the grade I got.

Looks like Grace has learned a lesson. Well, blog-buddies. All my friends are getting engaged and I am waiting. And I’m anticipating some tearing down on God’s part which will prolong my waiting.

But God is sovereign and this was always a part of His plan. I need to chill out and not get angry and huffy and have a pity-party. If I stop to think for more than two seconds I wouldn’t have it any other way. Quit yo whining, foo! You ain’t no Israelite in the desert!

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My Testimony

As a part of my college experience I’ve been getting very involved with the Navigators. This is a christian organization on campus that’s goal is to know Christ and to make Him known. Ironically enough, that’s the goal of my home church. Go figure. So one of the things that distinguishes the Navs from a lot of other organizations is the emphasis they put on fellowship and being real with each other. Every time there is a Nav function, there’s a student who shares their testimony.

Well tonight I asked my fellow bible study members about their testimonies and I had the opportunity to share my testimony. But thinking about my testimony, there’s so much about my life that I could talk about in a testimony. My whole life, it seems, is full of divine appointments where God has shown himself as in control and I have been completely and utterly not. Every relationship, every situation, every strength, I’m a fool and God swoops in and teaches me something new about himself.

So what even is my testimony? I could tell you about my extremely poor relationship decisions. I could tell you about my inner feelings of insecurity. I could tell you about my difficulty in finding someone who builds my faith up. I could tell you about my pride, my selfishness, my arrogance, and how God broke down each and every one of those things. I could tell you about how I’m waiting and waiting through trials to finally be blessed. I could tell you how I’m so caught up in the selfish pleasures of this world that I haven’t taken the time to pursue God. I could tell you about my medical struggles and how I’ve learned to trust God through them.

I could tell you about the anorexia. I could tell you about my fight with suicidal thoughts. I could tell you about my feelings of inadequacy. I could tell you how I feel unloved and unwanted…

I could dump all of my emotional and physical baggage on you and tell you how God has shown himself to me….

Those stories have their times and their places. But the bottom line is that every area that I have surrendered to God has been blessed beyond my wildest dreams, and in the areas that I haven’t yet surrendered or I’m still waiting to be blessed, I have confidence that God has good things for me.

Difficult things.

Beyond difficult.

But good.

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YOLO

As most of you have probably noticed there’s a lot of buzz online and elsewhere about “YOLO” or “You Only Live Once”

Granted I’m a little behind the curve on putting my two cents in, but my views on yolo have only just solidified. As in today. I was walking over a rather large bridge gazing up at the most beautiful thing created by mankind(memorial stadium. What a good little husker I am) and thinking about yolo and Jesus when it all clicked into place. So now I’m telling the bloggosphere about it. It’s my reward for finishing my biology paper. :D aren’t I the most pathetic person in the world?

For the last year of my life whenever I’m faced with a question of morality I’ve been asking myself the question “In twenty years will I regret not doing this?” From senior campout to senior skip day to shoplifting to underaged drinking my question has been “Will I regret this?”

Well this weekend it became shockingly clear to me that I don’t regret some of the decisions I have made because I have friends who made the opposite decision and I’m really glad I’m not in the same place they are. But as I got to thinking about where I’m at and where my friends are at I realized that it doesn’t matter what I do in this life to give myself pleasure. None of it is going to satisfy me.

And now all you super mature Christians out there are groaning and saying “COME ON GRACE! It took you how long to figure that out???”

Seriously people, I thought I was doing myself a favor by getting slightly into the YOLO mindset. Like “Oh the stories I will tell about my young and carefree days!”

Well the truly poetic thing I thought of today was that for me it may be true that I only live once, but that life lasts for an eternity. The decision I make today for immediate pleasure could get in the way of my eternal pleasure.

So now my question is “Will this give me eternal pleasure or will it potentially hurt eternity?”

Not that my making an unwise decision is going to bar me from heaven and strip me of my title of heir, not at all! But an unwise decision has the potential to turn me away from God thereby glorifying God in my own demise instead of by grace.

And no, I do not at the current moment believe in once saved always saved. I do in fact believe that (theoretically) tomorrow I could turn my back on God and walk away from his grace. In all actuality, the chances of that actually happening are slim, but if I were to make some unwise decisions and start compromising in the name of YOLO who knows where I’d end up. I don’t want to touch that vortex with a 9 million foot pole. No temporary pleasure of this world is worth eternity.

So I walk the line. Call me a prude, call me boring, call me what you will. When the desires of my flesh are laid bare I’m not any different than your average whore. The difference is who I have chosen to be, and more importantly who God has made me.

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Besties, Butterflies, and Brokenness

Hooray, College.

I”m skyping my Allersahn right now. I’ve missed her. She’s going to a school four hours away. It’s a little difficult. She sent me a picture of us.

http://twitter.com/totalsurrender/status/246378721181843456/photo/1

I’m broke. I gots no moneys. Praise Jesus for new jobs at the last minute.

I can’t decide if I like college or not. It’s like getting pecked to death by a bunch of butterflies.

The only thing I’ve learned is that God is in even the most hopeless places.

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Only In Nebraska

Imagine this, ladies and gentlegerms. You are lying on the couch gently snoozing to the tellie while the sun streams in the windows, the air conditioning successfully protecting you from the 102 degree heat outside. In the foggy recesses of your mind a single thought registers.

“Is that hail?”

It takes a few moments for the thought to make it’s way to the coherent places of your mind, but when the thought arrives it is a mere second before your half asleep body is careening into the sunlight, urgent to reach your car through the rain and hail before too much water gets in through the open windows.

Something cuts into the sole of your bare foot, but your sleepy mind can only process one emergency, and in that window of time nothing is more important than the cloth upholstery in your car. You drunkenly stagger into the car and grapple with the windows, the exhaustion and adrenaline fighting in your fingers making it hard to crank the old windows up. But alas, within the space of a minute the windows are up, the rain is pounding the roof not getting in, and the sun is still streaming into your eyes.

You lay across the gear shifter onto the passenger seat in order to let the adrenaline pass and your pulse to return to a normal rate. In a clearer state of mind you exit your car and dash back to the house, eager to return to your nap.

You lay back down on the couch. The rain and hail stops. Your foot is throbbing. You look down and see a shard of glass poking out of a bloody wound. Your nap is ruined.

Posted in Random Anecdotes | 1 Comment

College

Yes, ladies and gentle-germs, I’m a freshman again. Perhaps for the second time in my life I feel completely out of control. Last time I developed an eating disorder, so considering the high standard I’m dealing with it pretty well this time. Aka not well at all. I don’t like panicking. I don’t like hyperventilating. I don’t like insomnia. I don’t like stress. Yet that’s what college has been like so far. Well. It’ll get better. It has to get better. Cuz I give up.

DO not be anxious in anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus who loves you.

I serve a great God who knows what He’s doing. Why am I panicking again?

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Random Fandom-DeneTHOR

Last Sunday I had a LOTR marathon with my best friend while she visited for the weekend. We were quite silly. This was our brain child.

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Thankful Almost Thursday

My Rebekah always does really clever and witty Thankful Thursday posts which strike envy and inspiration in my hearts. Envy because I never remember to post on Thursday and inspiration because there’s a lot to be thankful for. Well today it isn’t quite Thursday, but I have a post and I have a moral issue with delaying publishment, so here it is. My thankful almost thursday post.

I am thankful for

Water, because I get really really thirsty and I had the feeling today of needing water so bad I almost got out of the car and drank from the sprinklers sprinkling the golf course. Then I got home a few seconds later and drank a water bottle of water and it was amazing.

Rain, because the earth is dry and really needs it as do the farmers and the people who shop at grocery stores.

Dreams, because they give me hope for the future.

A Job, because college is expensive and life is expensive.

An incredible church that sent me a letter thanking me for my excruciating and amazing act of letting go and trusting God.

Most importantly

I’m thankful for my God, who pursues me like He thinks I’m worth it. Relentlessly, Desperately, Intimately pursues me. Like nobody else can.

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Domesticated Me

For the longest time I’ve called myself “Domestically challenged” Because I don’t cook and I don’t clean and I don’t ever want to be barefoot and pregnant making sandwiches. Or rather didn’t.

I’m not going to comment on the barefoot and pregnant thing, but I did make a meal for my sisters on my day off.

yum

BBQ meatballs on rice, fried eggplant, and fresh cucumbers, tomatoes, and peppers with strawberry watermelon lemonade!

and it turned out great! I really enjoyed doing it and to top it off I cleaned the kitchen when I was done cooking! The whole day I was like “What can I make what can I make what can I make!” It’s crazy. I guess this is what happens when you grow up. You become domesticated and house-wifey. Well, prince. Any time you want to show up, I’ll make you a sandwich or something… Just ask my dad first. :DDDDDD

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My Love-Hate Relationship

Here’s another insomnia induced post. As you may or may not know(I have no idea what I’ve posted about) I took my last piano lesson ever a few months ago. Considering I’ve been taking lessons since I was 6 years old, this is huge. After 12 years, 2 teachers, and 9 students, I’m completely done with piano. Teaching and learning alike. So for the past few months I’ve been kind of lost as to what I should be doing piano-wise.

Well the other day I sat down and sightread some stuff and I’ve rekindled my love of piano..

Well yesterday I cut my fingernails too short and now the tips of my fingers hurt really bad.

Busting my butt over this chord.

And then there’s stuff like this magnificent chord which perfectly thrills me to the core because it’s utterly impossible yet so deliciously within reach. It makes me want to blow my brains out while eagerly listening to the sweet sound of dissonance and triumph in perfect harmony.

I’m clearly insane.

Posted in For the Love of Music | Leave a comment