Gracebug

This past weekend has been a weekend of reflection. As many of you (may or may not) know, I have been in show choir for the past three years. This last weekend I went to my final competition and unofficially ended my show choir career. Granted I have one(possible two) more performances, but for all intents and purposes, my show choir days are done.

I’ve spent the last three years doing this with my closest friends, yet when I found myself smiling and waving at the judges for the last time I couldn’t muster up any sadness. This perplexed me for a while, but this is the conclusion I have come up with.

1) I am an independent person. I have never considered myself as a part of an “us”. In show choir this year it’s been “us”(the seniors and select others) and “them”(the girls that we can’t stand being around.) Outside of show choir, the “us” that is the seniors in show choir, no longer exists. I have friends outside of show choir. These friends are even the same ones as in show choir, but we operate independently of each other. We have different lives, different motives, different plans…. We operate separately of each other. We don’t even go to lunch together. I get really offended when certain people come up to me and say “What are we doing?” ummm…. well this is what I’m doing. You can do whatever you want to do. This is a free country. And even if we, coincidentally, are doing the same thing, I don’t necessarily want to do whatever it is WITH you. Sorry, no cake.

2) Show choir is not my passion. My passion is God and His plan for my life. My passion is worship. My passion is complete and total abandon. My passion is resting in my savior’s arms. When I grow up, I want to be a worship leader. Not a show choir girl, not a pop star, not a politician, not even a wonderful nurse. I may or may not be those things in the years to come, but that’s not what I’m passionate about. I’m passionate about worship. And more importantly, leading others in worship.

Therefore, I’m not sad about the ending of this certain chapter in my life…. Because I know that where I’m going is one step closer to fulfilling my dream. One step closer to doing the things that I’m passionate about. How can I look behind me when the future is so exciting?

Yes, I will miss show choir. But I refuse to dwell in it. I’m going for the bigger YES. I’m headed for the brighter day. I can’t wait!

Isn’t it amazing how dramatically cryptic little girls can be? They write in their journals amazingly witty sayings that they swear they will never forget the story behind… and when they come back to read it years later they have no idea what they had documented.

“Today I fell in Love”

I’ve never been in love. What possibly could have happened on February the 2nd, 2005?

So I’m kind of in the dumps this week has been a drag, so these are slightly pessimistic… just maybe.

Observation 1

Facebook is an excuse for socially inept people to feel like they have a social life. I mean seriously, all these people posting things that they find interesting just because they don’t have anyone in real life who cares what they have to say… What’s the point of writing something if no one is going to read it(lol says the girl who writes a blog that no one reads). I guess it’s just to get it out… but why subject everyone else to your rude comments?(again with the irony). But still. I don’t ask people to read my blog. I don’t friend people and all of the sudden there’s my nasty comments showing up on their walls. You people who are reading this made the choice to read it. You’re coming to me. I’m not putting this in front of your face and then getting mad when you don’t like it. soooo basically I’m getting rid of facebook… possibly indefinitely. without warning…. nah, maybe I should warn people.

Basically what brought this on is…. well…. I’m socially inept(for 1) and (for 2) I’m easily angered. So basically I’m on facebook getting myself into awkward situations while getting angry at people because they write incredibly anti-”my-type-of-person” statuses.

Adios, Facebook.

Observation 2

Social interaction in general is hard. I never knew that I would be so tired of people that I would get this tired, but basically I’m exhausted. I’m tired of constantly being on the defensive in an incredibly hostile environment(PUBLIC SCHOOL!). I’m tired of defending my beliefs, I’m tired of pretentious people who think I’m being pretentious when obviously if they didn’t know I was the pretentious when then I’m not pretentious…. I’m tired of being on the defensive against people who just want to use me for my car(grrrrr I decide who I go out to lunch with, not you. Ask me nicely, and I will drive you. Maybe. Unless you’re really annoying… actually, just no. Don’t ask. If I ask you if you want to come, then you can come. No other options.) I’m tired of guarding what I say just because I might offend someone. No, it’s not even about offending someone, it’s that they might let me in on the fact that they’re offended. I’m tired. Life of hermit, here I come. Hey you, yeah you. You know who you are. Yeah, my name is Grace. Nice to meet you. You wanna come join me in hermittude?

If only things were so simple.

Since this is a teen blog I thought I’d address an issue that a lot of people associate with teens(but is not limited to them).

Confidence and Self respect.

Through my four years of high school I’ve heard a lot of things that I disagree with. “I respect myself, I just love him so much.”, “He’s so out of my league”, “What’s the point of saving myself, I’m already used.”, “I’m totally not his type”, “I’m too fat for a guy like him.”…. blah blah blah!

I’m so SICK OF IT! What is this whole league thing? Who says you aren’t good enough for whats’his’bucket? Who told you you’re ugly? Who told you you’re fat? Who told you you’re stupid?

nine times out of ten nobody said that, it’s just them being insecure and critical of themselves. One time out of ten it’s a bitchy mom who should have her children taken away because the damage done is more permanent then growing up in poverty. Poverty can be risen above. When you tear down your kids, that damage is irreversible.

So here is the destructive teenaged girl confidence circle.

1. Girl looks in the mirror and notices that she doesn’t have perfect skin and perfect eyes and a perfect tan and the perfect lips and perfect hair and bla bla bla bla blaaaaaaa.

2. Girl puts on a butt ton of makeup which causes (breakouts) which causes more and makeup(Insert vicious cycle of own)

3. Girl goes out in public. Boy sees an unconfident girl that looks completely fake and is completely turned OFF. Therefore the boy doesn’t give the girl any attention.

4. Girl notices that the boy has dismissed her and she goes back to square one.

How most girls decide to get out of this mess is by giving the boy an offer he can’t refuse. SEX! And the crazy thing is that most girls don’t even realize that’s what they’re peddling with their desperation. Guys want girls who will sleep with them. Okay this isn’t true of all guys, or even most guys…. But when you have a friend who just met a guy at a party and they’re already dating… expect to get the “So…. last night….” Conversation. Nasty creepy guys are excellent at picking up on low confidence and they know that low confidence pays dividends. Unfortunately, this guys are, for some reason, thought of as highly attractive by females.

“Oh my god, he’s so attractive. He’s probably had thousands of women, and I want to be the 1,001st woman that he uses and then throws away” oh wait, never mind, we convince ourselves that we’re different from all those other girls. That for some strange reason involving a stupid cherub and an arrow tipped with a phenomenon can change the whole picture.

Ladies, cheaters don’t change. Cheaters will cheat. Only an act of God can change this fact. Dogs will eat their own vomit, recovering alcoholics will return to the bar, and cheaters will cheat. It takes an act of God to change these things…. (And sometimes an act of man. you know, if we chain people up then they wouldn’t….)

So basically we as women need to find out how to attract the non-cheating men. I have a solution.

CONFIDENCE!

Of all the memes and websites and facebook statuses and viral videos and teeshirts and you name its I’ve read, I have gathered that men are attracted to confidence. Yeah, they like it when you have a rockin’ bod and bla bla bla that’s pretty important to guys. But when a girl is wearing confidence, it is the sexiest thing ever. Heck, I’m attracted to confident women(in an entirely platonic way). It’s how we choose our friends. It’s how this whole “league” thing got here. Confident people are in a league of their own. Why? Cuz they don’t believe in leagues.

Bazinga!

So when I tell you you’re beautiful, goshdarnit believe it! God doesn’t make ugly people. People make ugly people. And you know how they make ugly people? By trying to be pretty. Just be yourself and be confident in who you are. You can’t change yourself. You are who you are, and if people don’t like that then you’re better then them. They don’t deserve you. You deserve to have someone who loves you when you’re wearing your glasses with no makeup on and in sweats. And frankly, that guy is worth waiting for. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Whether it’s your mom or the devil himself, don’t believe a word of it.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m nothing special. I’m pasty white. I have ratty hair that somehow looks good(I didn’t do it!) I have little eyes and lopsided lips and oily skin with ginormous pores. I have freckles all over everywhere. When I flush I turn tomato red because I’m so pasty. I’m too tall to be petite but too short to be all legs. I wear glasses. My eyebrows are so blond they might as well not be there and today I found my first gray hair. I have extremely large shoulders that make the rest of me look kind of off, even though the rest of my body is decent looking. I have big wrists and sausage fingers. Big feet. I hate shaving my legs so most of the time I don’t do it. I don’t get enough sleep I’m sick a lot, I live my life in sweatpants. Did I mention I have acne? All over my neck and chest. It’s not cool. And to top it off, I’m shy and slightly socially awkward. I never know the right thing to say, I’m not funny, I’m terrible at telling jokes, and if someone is laughing at me it’s because I unwittingly did something funny. It’s never premeditated. My personality at it’s best is when I’m really angry or really tired. That is pathetic.

But that’s who I am. I can’t change it. I love who I am cuz I’m the only me. I wear my freckles with pride. I flaunt my body(when I want to… which isn’t very often). I talk to people like I have a right to, which I do. I treat people with respect and I treat myself with respect.

If I have never been asked out on a date, it’s just because the right guy hasn’t met me yet. There’s nothing wrong with me. (Also I tend to give off a “Not interested” vibe. I think I intimidate guys…) But one day I’m going to meet a guy and I’m going to give off the “interested” vibe and he’s going to give it off too. and he’s going to ask me out and I’m going to say yes. Then we are going to date for a while and he will NOT be getting anything from me. Cuz I’m worth waiting until the wedding night.

“Wow, Grace. I wish I could believe that. I wish I could be confident”

You can. Confidence is a choice. Make it.