happy new year…. not!

I hate the new year! I hate it with a passion. What’s the point of this holiday??? Honestly, it’s just an excuse hang out and get drunk…. oh wait…. I’m underage…. and all my friends are at a party I wasn’t invited to. What a retarded deal! Maybe I should just go shoot myself in the foot! Honestly, every new years eve I spend alone at my house watching every one else have the time of their life. Every one is all “OOOHHH you should make new years resolutions to pass the time!!!”…. to be honest, I do make new years resolutions. Every year I make a resolution. “don’t screw up again.” Well, you know how long that one lasts. My life is perfect…. except I keep on screwing myself over with dumb decisions that most of the time have serious consiquences. at every landmark that every one looks on with anticipation of a new phase of life I’m cringing with dread. It hasn’t always been this way. I used to hope and pray that the next phase will be better than the last…. after a whole lot of disappointment I stopped doing that. It doesn’t get any better. Life sucks, tell every one. Landmarks are like that one really mean great aunt that you have to see once a year. You spend all year dreading her coming…. and then she’s worse than you could imagine… every year. I know that tomorrow I’m going to wake up and be like “why was I freaking out about this?”… and then I’ll get in a mess and I’ll be like “oh yeah, that’s why. so much for the clean slate you MORON!!!!”…

Long story short… I hate new years. I hate the feeling of total incompetence. I hate watching everyone optomistically fly by me. I hate trying to forget it’s new years eve… I hate celebrating impending doom. I hate being so frickin’ lonely on a holiday that only exists for the sake of hanging with friends. I hate new years resolutions, because they’re always going to get broken no matter what. I hate feeling completely and totally insignificant because I’m alone. I hate people who think everything’s okay, but it’s not, they just want to believe everything’s okay because they don’t want to deal with the issue. I hate having the issue in the first place. I hate having to lie to people because if I don’t they’ll flip out and smother me. I hate overly nice people who accomodate the need, not try to solve the problem. I hate all those fluffy words that sound nice but don’t mean anything. I hate my stupid pride that makes it so hard for me to admit I need help. I’m going to hate all the concerned comments that end up on this post. I’m going to hate the years that pass by me. I hate the fact that time doesn’t heal all wounds. I hate the fact that a couple of stupid decisions in my life can ruin the whole thing. I hate it that I can’t ascape into a book because for some reason people want to hear about people with problems. I hate stupid teenage romance because all it does is rip holes in hearts and makes onlookers cringe in horror as people they love self-destruct. I hate love because it’s abused and broken and mistaken for other things. I hate peace because with peace comes arrogance. I hate arrogance because… news flash YOU”RE NOT BETTER THAN ME!!!! I hate organized religion because it comes with a lot of negative steriotypes. I hate steriotypes because it makes people get stuck on the outside. I hate shallowness(honestly, you think y0u’re having a hard time because you can’t get those boots in brown… GET A LIFE!!!! I’m having a mini seizure over here because I’m reminiscing all the things that I did this past year that could have killed me!!!)

on a happier note, I love God. In all honesty I’m not alone on new years eve. I’ve got God. which is good and bad. Bad because we’ve been through every single mistake together…. and he reminds me of all the times I’ve epically failed… but good because we made it through. 

Please don’t comment…. I really do mean it.

no seriously, that would cause one more problem for me to deal with.

And don’t think that nice comments are okay…. they’re not. I honestly don’t care what you have to say in response to my hate-ness.

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5 Responses to happy new year…. not!

  1. Eitan says:

    Yeah, I often get the feeling of standing in the middle of a highway and no one notices. New years doesn’t really exist. it’s just an extension of the old one. for real.

  2. totallysurrendered says:

    I wish I could get that firmly ingrained into my head….

  3. mom says:

    Sweetie, God’s not the one reminding you of all the times you “epically” failed. HE says there’s no condemnation [(Rom 8:1 NIV) Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,]. HE does not condemn you just like He did not condemn the one caught in adultery [(John 8:11 NIV) "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."]. HE is your number one cheerleader. HE says you can do it, Gracie Girl. [(Phil 4:13 NIV) I can do everything through him who gives me strength.]

  4. mom says:

    I love you, Babe.

  5. totallysurrendered says:

    I love you too, mom :) <3

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