So it’s finally May, eh? I have three weeks of school left, and they’re going to take forever to go by. Last week felt like a month simply because I had so much on my mind I could hardly help but rip my hair out every five seconds.
There’s nothing to make you hate your life quite like the promise of things to come. I feel like I kid waiting for Christmas. Summer…..
Now, Rebekah, before you get off your rocker about the title of this post…. I will remind you of a conversation we had about discretion…. I really wish I could tell you all about a lot of stuff…. But considering this is NOT a diary, and this blog is actually accessable to everyone on the interwebs, I will not share my deepest darkest secrets that have been nagging the inner-crevices of my mind. But I will tell you that keeping secrets is one of the hardest things for me to do.
Yes, I admit it, I’m a blabber-mouth….. I mean about my own personal stuff, not anything you tell me.
For our school’s post-secret craze I had to come up with a secret that I’d never told anyone. Yeah, I missed the deadline for thinking too hard. But enough of talking about my secrets that I’m not sharing.
I’m overloaded on thoughts, so I will try to get just one of them out. This past week I’ve been thinking a lot about the kind of person a want to be. Which I revisit this subject a lot…. probably because it’s constantly changing.
When I was a Freshman in high school a mere, good lord, three years ago(ish) I was determined to be a strong independent christian woman who never did anything wrong. Well, who knows who they want to be at 14 anyway? I wanted to be a strong independent christian woman at 14, and now at 17 I realize that that hasn’t completely changed…. what has changed is my definition of strong independent and christian.
I went to prom on saturday. I danced, I laughed, I made some jokes, I danced some more, I flirted with my hips, and I don’t regret any of it. As a Freshman I never would have dreamed of doing what I did on Saturday. That doesn’t mean I did anything wrong…
Lately I’ve been making a lot more friends of the male persuasion. And I’m not the ugliest girl at EHS. For the first time in my life I have some legit options. and for the second time in my life I’m faced with the question “Do I want to go there.” Last time my answer was no(Just ask John- If he remembers, that is!- Point for Grace. Excellent choice, my dear!) but this time I’m not sure what my answer is.
For the longest time I wanted to be that girl who is out conquering the world one day at a time. I do it alone, without need of rhyme or reason, I go, I conquer.
But now I am obviously more mature. And I realise there’s one thing I need. God. and the more I realise I need God, the more I realise that I don’t want to even try it on my own. I want to be the supporting actress, not the lead. call it a woman’s prerogative, call it the mothering instinct, call it whatever you will, but it’s kicked in. And I have never wanted to be out and ready more in my life.
And what’s wrong with someone telling me I’m a needle girl in a haystack world? Isn’t that the simplest of compliments a woman can get? I’m stuck in the middle part. where there’s no one there to boost the ol self esteem. And I’m not willing to get it the way everyone else does? Who is the douche that decided we had to do it on our own through high school? Who decided that teenaged women don’t need pampering? you neglect your girls and then turn around and wonder why teen pregnancy is such a problem? I’m not going to lie, I don’t feel like I’m in a loving protective environment. (Thinker vs Feeler alert. Bekah, don’t complain about the phrasing.)
::bunny trail:: you know what the worst part about thinker personality types is? They are constantly asking the feeler(moi) to stop being so emotional and see it from their point of view, like rationale is so much more important that feelings. They’re both subjective. Just because you perceive something to be fact doesn’t mean that’s what it is! Osama Bin Ladin saw it as fact that christians are infidels. That doesn’t mean we are! See, I feel that Osama Bin Ladin was an unkind person. That’s a sixth sense type thing going on there. And frankly my perception of Bin Ladin is probably closer to reality then his perception of me. And his was based on “cold hard fact”. And I just have a really weird feeling about it. I never read a personal account of someone saying that Osama was a mean person. Granted, he did mastermind an attack on my nation, but some people rob banks and whatnot and they’re the nicest people in the world, they just like money. so yeah. tangent over.
So what’s wrong with high school dating? okay, fine, scroll back to my post about it stating that I hate it and if I ever try to do it you have permission to slap me…. bla bla bla. rights revoked. I want to make this decision on my own, ya kno? times change. and things are changing a lot round here. I don’t know who to believe at this point. oh wait, yes I do. And It’s God. and I think he’s got a plan through all this change. some crazy amazing plan that he just isn’t telling me about. kinda like how I’m not telling my secrets in this post…. just getting some thoughts out….
I surrender. Don’t shoot!
Sounds like you and me need to have a chat one of these days–I want the scoop