Application to Date

Lol my friend posted this on facebook and it made me laugh.

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER:

NAME_____________________________________

DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________

WEIGHT____________

IQ__________

GPA_____________

CLASS RANK________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________

CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If “No”, explain: _____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

__Yes __No

G. A condom?__Yes __No

H. Pornography?__Yes __No

I. Alcohol? __Yes __No

J. Illegal substances? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION

AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? _____________

Pastor? _____________

Parole Officer? __________

SHORT­ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C. A woman’s place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

(NOTE: if answer F begins with T, B, or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

H.Condoms come in packages of (circle one)

A: 3

B: 6

C: 9

D: 12

E: ALL OF THE ABOVE

How do you know?_____________________________________________________

I. Did your mother nurse you? If so for how long?__________________________

J. What are your intentions in dating my daughter?___________________________________________________

K. Do you feel you have the maturity to be a good husband and father?_________________

L. Are you willing to go through counseling prior to getting married?________________________________

M. If you are dating you will be expected to always be in public places with a chaperone, is this acceptable to you?______________

N. Are you willing to give up foods that are bad for you, dangerous vices you may have as well as to exercise daily and this includes 20-30 years ago so that you don’t end up leaving my daughter either a widow or having to take care of you?__________________

O. When and if you get married and have children are you willing to go through 12 natural childbirth classes and truly train to be her coach during the labor and birth?________________________

P. Are you man enough to deliver your own child?______________

Q. When and if you get married are you willing to learn enough about the female body that the 2 of you will know when she is fertile or not and be abstinate together when she is fertile?________________________

R. Please detail your money management skills._____________________________________

S. Are you willing to work 2 jobs so that she does not have to work full time while raising your children?______________________________________________________

T. Do you know how to cook, clean and do laundry?____________________________

U. Are your parents in love with eachother?__________________________________

If not who is your model of how you would like your relationship to be? ___________________________

V. How well can you swim with an anchor around your ankles?________________________

W. Am I confident enough in my running ability that I know I can outrun an arrow shot?________

X “The fleas of a thousand camels” means?____________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO

THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,

NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE

WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________

Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

____________________________ ________________________________________

Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature

________________________________ _______________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Please provide Finger Prints, inked in your own blood for Homeland

Security Identity Checking and DNA sampling:

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you

probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified

by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, should you, by some ice cube’s chance in HELL, be even remotely

considered, start studying Daddy’s Rules for Dating, which is attached to this Application.

Daddy’s Rules for Dating

Your dad’s rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you’re a guy)

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure

not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer

at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I

will remove them. (Yes, I mean your eyes and hands.)

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely

that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of

your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I

propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your

pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do

not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail

gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some

kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about

sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require

from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and

the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine

with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little

girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I

will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour

goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be

dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the

Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like

changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

• Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

• Places where there is darkness.

• Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

• Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear

shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose

down parka – zipped up to her throat.

• Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature

chain saws are okay.

• Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a slow, potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted hasbeen. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your

universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the

truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotguns, a shovel, and five acres behind

the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the

driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts

acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my

daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in

plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my

daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.

The camouflaged face at the window is mine.