Lately I’ve been adopting the phrase “Life is too short to be unhappy” as my motto. having this as my motto has been good and bad at the same time. on one hand I’ve been going through life with a smile on my face and minimal conflict. on another hand, it’s easy to boost myself up to a place where I don’t belong with thoughts of “See how I’m keeping my life in order. see how I’m making everything work out just fine.”
Today all thoughts of being happy and smiling and keeping a positive attitude went out the window at the first sight of high school drama. My response? Unhappiness. death, doom, destruction, frown. I got home from school, did some fluff stuff until I couldn’t handle it any more and broke down to cry. I remained in this crying state for the next couple of hours. finally a song gets stuck in my head. One thing leads to the next and before long I am seated at my piano singing .How He Loves by the David Crowder Band. The lyrics are:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we?re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don?t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
Before long I’m singing the hymns in my folder for church. I flip to “In Christ Alone”
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand
I don’t know what it is about this song, but it struck a chord in my soul, and for the next hour I whisper sang hymns and cried. this moment did not fit into my happy world of smiles and good attitudes. It hurt to be there baring my soul to the supreme ruler of the universe, but there I was. I couldn’t’ve been happier than in that moment.
Something that I’ve lost track of this week is that it’s in our broken and bloody state where everything is going wrong that we are the closest to God. Tonight I find myself praying for everything to go wrong just so that I can feel that place of worship one more time. I find myself rejoicing at the thought of being hated by those I call my friends and scorned by those who love me best and failing out of school and getting flat tires just so I can say “Gain”. Joy in the midst of suffering has never been so real to me as it is now. At the moment i have no idea how I”m going to survive the upcoming school year. I have an overload of classes on top of show choir and Youth group and blah blah blah. typical junior year. and I’m an emotionally unstable teenaged girl that is highly sensitive. I”m a words person. So many people out there throw out words and tones and emotions willy nilly and frankly, I’m not fit for this society that I live in.
Today I found myself “left out”. Not because I smelled bad or because I am mean or some other obvious reason, no I hypothesize it’s because the friends I have been hanging out with are making some decisions that they know I, a christian, would not approve of. And therefore are shying away from me, and even growing contemptuous towards me in their behaviours over a disapproval that isn’t there. If my best friends hate me because of my love for Jesus, why are they my best friends?
When everyone I thought cared is filled with dislike for me, and there’s no one else to run to, I became starkly aware of how big and awesome and near God is. What I once thought Gain I count now loss, spent and worthless now, compared to this. Knowing You, jesus, Knowing you. There is no greater thing. You’re my all, you’re the best. you’re my joy, my righteousness, and I love you, Lord.
As John Piper once said fifty billion most times, God is most glorified when I am most satisfied in him. I was most satisfied today when I had tears streaming down my face while croaking out a 500 year old hymn. God was most glorified in the broken state of surrender. I was most happy when God was most glorified. I was happy croaking out a 500 year old hymn with tears streaming down my face.
Thought for the day: What is true happiness? Satisfaction? What does it all really mean?