Gracebug

Why hello there lady friends!

I know what you’re thinking. “There goes Grace with a catchy title indicative of a Christian feminist rant.” Well, you probably weren’t thinking that, but that’s what you’re going to get.

I was meeting with my bible study leader, Rachel, who is discipling me last week and she started out our chat by saying “So I have a love-hate relationship with 1 Peter 3:4. I was going to think about it, but then I was like ‘no, I’ll just talk about it with Grace.’ So. What do you think about 1 Peter 3:4?”

I was a little confused at first, but when I read the verse it all suddenly made sense.

1 Peter 3:3-4(I’m including verse 3 for context) says “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”(NIV)

Rachel then proceeded to explain why she both loves and hates this verse.

To paraphrase the word of God (Gah! Shocking! Grace!) “Stop paying attention to what you wear and what you do, but instead quiet your heart before God and submit to Him. This is what is pleasing to God.” This verse is trying to tell us what is important and what isn’t. It isn’t saying “Dress like you’re going to a funeral and shut your mouth,” it’s exhorting women to quit being so focused on their appearance and more focused on following Christ’s example and being obedient to God. For women, this should be the verse that liberates us from the expectations of a society which objectifies us.

But instead a lot of people try to use this verse to put women in a box. You should be quiet and gentle. Perfectly submissive. Modest as a nun. Literally speak with a soft voice. Don’t dress like a hussy. You shouldn’t look good, instead be gentle and quiet and submissive so that a man will marry you and impregnate you. Then you can worship him for the rest of your life and be validated by his status and by the quality of your children. (On a side note: Since it’s kind of a fact that you’re identified by what you worship, why would you even want to be identified by a flawed, human male when you could be identified with the flawless God of the universe? Food for thought.)

Okay, maybe they don’t say those words, but for the liberated woman verses like this are like nails in the coffin of mediocrity. Except that’s not what this verse is about at all. It is yet another case of Christians missing the boat entirely.

But no, let’s create a contradiction in our theology and say that God doesn’t look on this outside, but at the heart and then promptly turn around and judge people for what they’re wearing and for being too assertive. Let’s just forget all the verses in the bible about how we ought to be bold and courageous. Let’s be sexist pigs and say the Bible isn’t for all people, but instead only for men.  Since God doesn’t use bold women at all. Have you ever heard of Esther? Ruth? Rahab? Tamar? Esther barged in on her husband unannounced (under threat of death I might add) and petitioned him on behalf of her nation. Ruth went and crawled into bed with Boaz (what a slut) in order to save her mother-in-law. Rahab was a prostitute who hid two Israelite spies before Jericho was destroyed in the famous battle involving lots of walking and the walls falling down. Tamar tricked her father-in-law into sleeping with her in order to mother the son which was her right (Genesis 38. Look it up, it’s a pretty spicy story.) Oh, and did I mention that Ruth, Rahab, and Tamar are Jesus’ great- great- great- great- (etc.) grandmothers? Yup.

So either these women were terrible and ungodly, or our definition of what makes a good Christian woman is completely wrong.

I vote for the latter.

In Christian culture the gold standard for women is written out in Proverbs 31.

Proverbs 31:10-31 talks about a wife of noble character and how she’s rare and precious because of X, Y, and Z. As Christian women we are constantly bombarded with men saying “Oh, I want to marry a Proverbs 31 woman.” And women saying “I aspire to be a Proverbs 31 woman.” And then they go on to be stay at home moms with twenty kids and homeschooling all the way through high school… Which is all well and good (My mom is the model example of the stereotypical Christian woman. I can’t really knock the model…), but being a wife and mother doesn’t make you a Proverbs 31 woman. Nope. These verses describe a business woman. A woman who plants vineyards and trades goods. A woman who buys and cultivates fields. A woman who manages the household and makes sure that everyone gets paid, has food to eat, and clothes to wear. She’s buff. She’s kind. She’s clothed with strength and dignity. She’s trustworthy. She’s wise. She isn’t idle. She fears the Lord.

Granted, the passage starts out saying “a wife of noble character who can find” but the follow-up sentence isn’t “She has lots of kids and is constantly barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.”

Except that’s what our culture says a Proverbs 31 woman is… and apparently even though only a handful of the verses in that passage even mention the husband, if you aren’t married you don’t even qualify for the Proverbs 31 Pageant. Can I just say that’s a CRYING SHAME!

Going back to the interpretation of 1 Peter 3 that I abhor, how can you even say “Women need to be less assertive and more submissive?” Last time I checked you have to be pretty assertive to buy and sell land. Last time I checked you have to be pretty assertive when you manage employees. You have to be able to make hard choices. You have to wear the metaphorical pants. Additionally both 1 Peter 3 and Proverbs 31 have an emphasis on how it’s what’s on the inside that’s important not what’s on the outside. They mention fearing the Lord and having a quiet and gentle spirit.

The passages were written to encourage women and break us out of the lie that we are only worth as much as we can give a man, but instead we’re being force fed the exact opposite! Instead of being encouraged to focus on our relationship with God and be right with Him, we’re being told to focus on a man.

So I don’t know about you, but maybe it’s time to stop focusing on what we’re wearing and start focusing on the condition of our hearts. Don’t focus on the fact that you show a little boobage in that new shirt, focus on how you’re so busy you haven’t cracked open you bible yet this week(guilty.) Stop focusing on the elder who asked you how a man fits into your life plan and instead focus on making sure you aren’t putting men in the place in your life that God deserves.

You are not defined by your marital status. God does not need you to be married to use you for His glory. Don’t give up on being a good Christian woman because you’re single.

I think we all have those days when we’re so in love with Jesus we can’t even breathe without smiling because his love and grace is so freeing and relieving.

But for me personally I feel like for every day I can’t stop smiling I have two days of dragging my feet and wishing I wanted to read my bible, but not being able to muster up the desire.

I have a little problem.

I like sin.

My favorite? Planning my godless future. Lusting after my of version of the white picket fence. Perfect career that provides enough money and vacation days for endless travel(travel that I go on by myself, despite having a doting husband.(Do I really want one of those? Let’s not psychoanalyze my fantasy too much…)) having a cuddly baby without any of the responsibility or nightmare of children. Ah yes, it would be perfect.

But it’s not real and it can’t ever be real. Despite the logical fallacies of my daydream there’s one more problem: that’s not the now, and lusting after an impossible future is in fact a sin.

But who wants to come out of the dream to admit it? In the alternate universe in my head it’s okay and no one is judging me and pigs can fly and the hunk that I’m hitched to lets me reign queen. Even the baby doesn’t poop unless I say so. I’m god.

Eventually I wake up and I’m not that god anymore, but my sinful flesh is clinging to the fantasy. Feverish to have the control back. As the vision fades and the reality of what I’ve done sets in I’m faced with a choice: repent or go back to sleep. All too often I choose the latter, turning off my conscience and saying “God who? I’m god.”

and the spirit weeps, even as the flesh gluttonously feeds on the images created by my imagination.

I am trapped in the frenzy of discontentment until finally the spirit breaks free and wails out to God. I confess. I repent. I rest. I sleep and I dream of far away lands and being a nurse and telling people about the incredible forgiveness that Jesus offers. I wake and I smile. I patiently wait for the Lord. I acknowledge Him as God. I resolve to live and never forget the freedom of repentance.

Then I have a bad day. And my waiting is no longer patient. I long for a return to bliss, but instead of going to the source of all things good and holy, I go to the world’s cheap imitations.

and in the blink of an eye I’m falling back into the behavior that led me astray in the first place.

All because I’m too weak to clean house for good. Too weak to finish the job. Too weak to board up the rat holes after dealing with the infestation.

But I do believe that every time we go through this cycle God teaches me something new about himself. He teaches me of his faithfulness, even when I am utterly unfaithful. He teaches me of his steadfast nature even when my emotions blow me around like a sapling in the wind. He teaches me of his holiness in comparison with my wretchedness. He teaches me of his astounding grace which covers up even my wandering heart.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

Hallelujah God is making me into who he wants me to be. Hallelujah for this painful, awful, wonderful promise that I can be made new. Hallelujah I’m not defined by my sin.

As the end of the school year draws near and people are creating their facebook grad party events I’m reminded of my own graduation… and it makes me mad.

So you know how the word “commencement” means an exiting of one thing into a greater thing. Like you commence from high school into the rest of your life? Well I think high school commencement planners need to look up the word or change the name of their little graduation speeches…. ’cause I’ve noticed high school commencement ceremonies are never actually about commencement.

The greatest crime of public education is its failure to prepare young adults for real life.

Two-weeks notice? What’s that? How do I write that?

Budgeting? Wow, I just have no idea.

Are you serious? I can’t just make an effort and succeed at my job? You mean I have to actually produce quality results? That’s weird.

What, I can’t do show choir for the rest of my life? I actually have to get a job and pay rent?

You mean to tell me that I can’t be a part of my high school speech team for the rest of my life? I was under the impression that high school was preparing me for the rest of my life! Apparently not.

Nope. Our high schools are so concerned with looking back at the end of it that it completely forgets to look forward. Ever.

I mean if you’re a sucker for punishment, then yeah high school was great! But in going from high school into the work force the biggest thing that I learned was that high school didn’t teach me any worthwhile skills. In fact, I learned how to slack, I got an inflated ego, and I got involved with activities that may or may not have significantly damaged some opportunities that came along. I mean I don’t know for sure, but I probably should have taken Anatomy and Physiology in high school. I probably should have learned better study habits. I probably should have applied for more scholarships and played the field a little more before settling on a college. I probably should have taken real classes my senior year and tried to get a better score on the ACT. I probably shouldn’t have spent all my savings on a European tour. I probably shouldn’t have spent all my time investing in choir and music and instead invested it in my relationship with God.

See, high schools urge students to get involved in all of these activities, but they only serve to distract them from what’s really important. The intent is to teach teamwork and how to apply oneself to a goal and succeed, but my experience was that those activities taught me how to be more immature and catty.

High school was the worst thing that happened to me, and leaving the best. I know I sound like a really resentful person who was on the wrong side of high school, and maybe that’s true, but maybe not. I wasn’t “popular” in high school, but I wasn’t that one girl. I found a place to belong and I’d like to think that by the end of my high school career some people knew who I was. I mean I see people from high school on campus sometimes and they wave at me. That counts for something, right? well no, actually, but that’s another posts problem. But the fact is that my high school years were marked by backsliding and rebellion in my heart towards God. I had a wrong wrong wrong view of myself, and I was completely unteachable.

So to all you high school graduates out there, at the moment you feel on top of the world like you can do anything you like. And that’s true, but there’s one important key to making it in the real world: humility. Treat everyone like they’re better than you (no matter if they are or not), treat every opportunity like a gift and not something you deserve, and please for the love of God walk on the right side of the sidewalk(I thought we went over this freshman year of high school!)

That is all.

P.S. I suck at all these things too, and actually occasionally find myself walking on the left side. We all have bad days. it’s okay. His mercies are new every morning!

It’s 11:15 pm, I work tomorrow at 6am, and I’ve just had a philosophical epiphany.

Consider this as a teaser.

The categorical imperative(for idiots, or rather how I understand it) comes in two parts. The first is to behave in such a way that you could universalize it(i.e. The purpose of lying is to deceive, if everyone lied then no one would be deceived. Hence it cannot be universalized. The result of murder is dead people. if everyone murdered, everyone would be dead people.) And the second part states that individuals should be treated as ends and not means. So don’t use people.

To me, the categorical imperative is derived from “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

I was watching Thor: The Dark World with some of my lady friends. The shirtless Chris Hemsworth scene comes on. I comment “Because that’s not objectifying men at all.” bla bla bla. And as I thought about it the more I realized that the categorical imperative here applies.

But I’m going to talk about that later.

Are you teased?

I don’t always feel like I’m living an old movie, but when I do it’s because I’m listening to cool jazz while gazing out the window at the lights of downtown.

In the old movie of my life I’m studying for physiology in the stacks, day dreaming as I watch the cars go by when all of a sudden Humphrey Bogart saunters down the row of books in a fedora, looks over and says “Hey kid,”

Just kidding. That could never happen. But sometimes this girl knows how to dream.

In other news, can y’alls give me your final votes on new blog names? I only a have nine days left to decide, and I haven’t a clue.

I’m doing a lot of stuff. I’m so ridiculously busy it isn’t even funny. I go to church sometimes six days a week, I work two PRN jobs(around 15 hours a week, last semester around 20), and I’m taking a full class load(which includes physiology. And I’m expected to maintain a certain high standard.)

I’m not saying this to puff myself up. I say this for the opposite purpose, in fact.

I can’t do this.

I’ve stretched myself so thin that I can’t even function. I can barely remember my own name, much less all the intricate functions of the kidney. I don’t have time to sleep. I don’t have time to read books for fun. I don’t have time to spend with my friends.

It is by the power of God alone that I am still functioning, but the thing is that I’m surviving, not thriving.

I don’t want to just lead a bible study, I want to develop relationships with my ladies. I don’t want to just play or sing in a band, I want to lead worship. I don’t want to just make it through school, I want to be the best nurse that I can be.

At the moment I feel like I can’t do all of these things at once, and I’m faced with one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.

The right choice is to choose God’s will, but what if it isn’t clear which option is God’s will?

So in light of my latest disclosures I’m just going to talk about a few food things that really bother me. My ire will probably make a lot more sense now that I’ve disclosed certain things about myself, so hopefully all y’all healthy hippie types won’t get all up in my business for this.

So a few things that bother me about our food culture:

1. The idea that cutting (sugar, flour, meat, fat, caffeine, etc.) out of the diet is “healthy”

First of all, those things mentioned above is the only thing that keeps me eating. I mean that and a myriad of other moral and logical reasons…. But seriously. Just make me feel like a terrible person for eating McDonalds. It makes me wonder if part of the reason our society is so messed up is because we don’t allow people to just enjoy food. I mean I go through the drive through at McDs and what the heck I’m already a slob, you might as well supersize me. Or rather, I’m poor and I don’t have time to make myself supper, but I’m not a slob so I can’t buy the cheapest fast food available to me…. Guess I’ll skip it tonight.

2. The push for “healthy alternatives” without thought to availability and price of said alternatives.

Moochelle Obama, in her appearance on The Tonight Show, said something to the effect of “Ew! Potato chips! Eat these kale chips instead!” Okay first of all, where the fkjklfjgdslkjdflkf am I supposed to find kale chips? Second of all if I were to find them, would they be under a buck fiddy for a bag? I didn’t think so. In addition, guess what princess! Those kale chips were fried in the same oil! Or baked in the same greasy oven or whatever the heck they do with chips these days. (For the interested reader, please google criticisms of the current healthy food craze. It’s actually quite fascinating) Side note on the ew! sketch with the FLOTUS, you can’t actually get your heart rate up by just wiggling your shoulders like that, dear Mrs. Obama. But nice try. Sincerely, someone who lost a butt ton(Literal butt, not a literally ton) of fat dancing.

3. Those pictures of Marilyn Monroe saying “50 years ago this was sexy”. and the stupid memes that say “Real women eat.”

At least the first message is true, but what are you really trying to say? I think you are meaning to encourage people to be confident in their bodies and not feel bad about eating, but I don’t think you realize the people you aren’t encouraging. I feel alienated by those posts because the message I get is “You’re disgustingly thin and you aren’t a real woman.” I’m not saying you meant to give that message, but just think about it. I know my thinking is messed up, but it still stings. Do you really want to tear down a whole (quite large(as in population)) demographic of women who already hate themselves?

Well, being on a different side of things here’s what I have to say to y’alls who don’t feel good about your body.

You aren’t defined by the way you look.

Now whenever I come back to this blog I have remember to believe it too.

Two weeks ago when I posted my full disclosure I’m not positive what I expected to happen, but I definitely didn’t expect you all to rise up and encourage me like you did. I felt like God was leading me to tell all, and when my bible study at church talked about being a family and sharing life with each other I felt it was time to be honest with the people that God has placed in my life to support me. And you all rose to the occasion and I am speechless.

Thank you.

Thank you for encouraging me, thank you for sharing your own stories, thank you for speaking the truth of God’s word into my life. Thank you for the texts, comments, messages, phone calls, hugs, and yes, even the tears. Thank you for helping me heal.

My story isn’t over, and I don’t know if it ever truly will be finished, but God is completely in control of this… No matter how confusing and strange and painful it may seem, this is God’s plan for my life and if by sharing my story one person is drawn closer to God then it’s 100% worth it. I am most satisfied when God is most glorified, and right now God is revealing himself in my life. Do I wish God would glorify himself differently? No. Because then I wouldn’t have been able to connect with all of you in the way that I did in this past week.

Thanks be to God.