Silently my soul will wait/For you alone to come and save/Though I cannot see the end/I know you’re working out your plan./You’re my stronghold/You’re my only hope/I lift my prayer to you/my God who’s near to me.

Class is done for the semester. I’m not signed up for the next semester because I’m dead broke and I don’t have a job. I don’t know how I’m going to even pay my cell phone bill and car insurance, much less pay my parents back for my car. The only way I can describe the feelings I felt that day is complete and utter hopelessness.

The song reminded me that God is in control even when it’s hopeless. That God takes care of His children. God fulfills His promises.

So I bawled my eyes out.

New Years eve 2012 I had no idea how many blessings God was waiting to pour out on me or how faithful He would be in the storms. This list is by no means comprehensive, but here are ten things that happened in 2013:

1. I got a job.

January 15th, 2013 I started working at WCC. I could go on forever about how this job has been God’s blessing in my life. I learn so much there. I have made wonderful relationships with people. I’ve grown as an individual and as a worker because frankly, it’s hard. WCC opened the door for a second job. I earned my medication aide certification through WCC. I was able to watch the changing of a wound vac. If that isn’t the coolest thing I’ve ever observed I really don’t know what is. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people, but I’ve said goodbye to just as many. I felt complete joy when I watched a stroke patient walk again and I felt utter sorrow when months later that same person walked for the last time. You live and die a million times in a year at a nursing home.

2. I read nine non-fiction books.

I know all y’all had high hopes for me to get to twelve. I had high hopes for me as well, but alas. Here I’ll list the books I read and give one word to describe my reaction to them.

January: Francis Chan Forgotten God: Revolutionary

February: C.S. Lewis Surprised by Joy: The Shape of my Early Life: Interesting

March: Max Lucado When God Whispers Your Name: Over-simplified

April: C.S. Lewis The Problem of Pain: Hard

May: C.S. Lewis The Great Divorce: Provocative

June: C.S. Lewis The Four Loves: Challenging

July: Paul Tournier Guilt and Grace: Mindf- (Seriously. Read it.)

August: Paul Tournier To Understand Each Other: Extraneous (But truly genius.)

September: Walter A. Henrichson Disciples are Made, Not Born: Educational

October: Textbooks

November: Textbooks

December: Textbooks

Needless to say, the textbooks didn’t teach me a fraction of what those other books did.

3. I found a church

In December 2012 I felt God leading me to find a new church to attend as an adult. I had thought I’d found a good place to be in January, but after getting into my routine at work I found that only going to church every other week wasn’t good for my spiritual health. One Saturday night after work I texted a good friend of mine asking if his church had an evening service. His response: “It just started, if you hurry you can make it in time for the sermon!” I’ve been going there ever since.

4. I went on a date

For most people this really isn’t a big deal, but yes. It was kind of a significant moment in my life for one reason only: I started to question what I want. I started to seriously think about the type of person I want to spend my life with. I also started to seriously question the institution of marriage. A year ago I was sold on the whole happily ever after thing, but a today I couldn’t be in a more different spot. Marriage is great, but it’s probably not in my near future. I like being single. A lot. A lot a lot a lot.

5. I scheduled an appointment with my dream school

After two years of dreaming and wishing and hoping I finally gritted my teeth and set up an appointment to get information about admissions to my dream nursing school. The result? Two weeks later I signed a contract saying that if I fulfilled a list of parameters(primary of which is that I keep my cumulative GPA above 3.8) then I would have guaranteed admissions at my choice of campus fall 2015. I missed the first appointment. I almost didn’t reschedule. I almost didn’t go to the appointment. I almost didn’t check my high school GPA to see if I qualified for the honors admissions program because I doubted it was good enough. I almost lost it after one semester because of the ridiculously high GPA requirement. But God is faithful.

6. I went out of my comfort zone with my personal ministry

When Kim Havenstein called me and asked if I wanted to lead a freshman women’s bible study my first thought was “I can’t. I really just can’t.” I had just gotten in my car after work. Kim called at the beginning of the 20 minute drive. I told her I’d pray about it. By the time I reached home God had given me His answer. I’m pretty sure I’ve learned more from that study than my girls.

7. God reminded me of who I am

and as a result I’m filling out an intimidating 13 page trip application.

8. God loaded my bank account

At the beginning of the semester I was resigning myself to either another semester off or a small loan for Spring 2014. My agreement with dream nursing school took the semester off out of the picture. Yet somehow I have a month and a half to come up with roughly the amount I’m expecting on my tax return. How? I would say I’m working my butt off, but I know it’s bigger than that. Yes I’m working my butt off, but God definitely had his hand on even that because even though I was taking roughly the equivalent of 20 credit hours as well as working 15-20 hours a week while maintaining a piano student

9. I only got sick one day out of the whole semester

If this isn’t a miracle I don’t know what is.

But this semester hasn’t been completely healthy. If I’m being completely honest, dear readers, you should know

10. I relapsed

And I’m going to lay down my pride here and say I need help. I’m crabby and hungry and stuffed and annoyed and fat and thin and nauseated and dizzy and I can’t do it by myself anymore. Help.

Well… I”ll take a moment here and try to sort out what I’m thankful for…

I’m thankful for…

New Shoes

Technically not new, my sister bribed me with a shopping spree in her shoe closet if I helped her drive her new car home. But I failed a test today and I was feeling kind of down so I put on a new pair of heels. Made me feel better right away. And for that I’m thankful.

My God who has a plan

… yeah. I kind of broke down in my drive home from school today and just sobbed. Not that I’m having a hard time trusting God or anything, I’m just under a lot of stress. It’s all very uncertain. It’s scary. I’m trusting God’s plan and I”m resting in His plan… I’ve just been broken down.

Godly friends

I’ve spent a lot of time with people who are genuinely seeking the face of God. It’s good for little old me.

That life goes on

and once the test is over, it’s over. I don’t have to worry about it. There’s nothing I can do about the probably 60% I got on that calc test I was procrastinating studying for last night.

paychecks

Because they buy gas for my car. And My car gets me to school in the morning.

Perimeter lot shuttle service

Because it was freaking cold out this morning and I really didn’t want to walk for 20 minutes and freeze my toes off. In other news, I should have been calling the van to come pick me up earlier because I’m paying for it with my perimeter parking permit, but nooooo! Grace is a wuss. Grace doesn’t like talking to strangers! Grace doesn’t like getting into vans with strangers! Well…. the driver of the perimeter van has a nice fluffy white beard and is suuuper nice. So Grace is an idiot.

Tests that are pwned

I had to take a test on derivatives and a test over psychology and schtuff. I pwned the derivatives. I semi-pwned the psych test(the good news is that I can take it again :D) Point being that they are over with.

My classmate in French who shares my love of Disney princesses

Every class we have a conversation about Disney princesses and how we wish we were Disney princesses… In French! You can’t get much more awesome than that.

Men in testing centers

Across from me in the testing center was a guy who was making really funny faces at his test. It successfully broke me out of my head-case.

The ability to read and write

So I can actually write these two mongo papers that I need to write today.

The opportunity to go to college

I truly am blessed to be going to a prestigious university to study and become the person that God wants me to be. What can I truly complain about?

I am thankful for

Water, because I get really really thirsty and I had the feeling today of needing water so bad I almost got out of the car and drank from the sprinklers sprinkling the golf course. Then I got home a few seconds later and drank a water bottle of water and it was amazing.

Rain, because the earth is dry and really needs it as do the farmers and the people who shop at grocery stores.

Dreams, because they give me hope for the future.

A Job, because college is expensive and life is expensive.

An incredible church that sent me a letter thanking me for my excruciating and amazing act of letting go and trusting God.

Most importantly

I’m thankful for my God, who pursues me like He thinks I’m worth it. Relentlessly, Desperately, Intimately pursues me. Like nobody else can.

Secondly, I am picking up one more piano student! Yay! Not only do I get to connect with an awesome young lady now, I also get a little extra cash. Icing on the cake, Icing on the cake. I’m so thankful that I have a job that I not only enjoy, but it gives me the opportunity to develope relationships with young people that are mainly in my church. Also, with the tendonitis, teaching piano keeps me connected to music when I can’t actually play some hard core Godard. So really, it’s not about the money. Just ask any of the parents of my students. I could get away with charging twice as much as I do…. but I don’t. Cuz I love it too much to risk it being expesive.

Thirdly, I am thankful that I follow God. Yes this is corny, but God has been so involved this week, how can I not be thankful? I got to share my testimony with some of the middle schooled girls at youth group. I think they thought I was genuine and I hope they’re open with me from now on.

Fourthly, today I got my show choir dress! YAY! It’s soooo prettyful! It’s red with sequins all over it. It fits perfectly, it’s the perfect length, the perfect modesty, it’s been stamped with my father’s approval(HARD TO GET!!!!!) and it’s sparkly. Not to mention my undergarments that I bought for it don’t slide around, which is nice. To cake the top, my first performance is in one week!!!! I’m excited! And on monday I’m trying out for one of the solo’s that is to be sung on Friday!

The only drawback is that the sequins cut my arms. so all in all my week has been good. very good. And I’m happy again. I think we have God to thank for that….. and my last post….. and more then slightly the tears shed over said last post. Tears are miracles in liquid form.

Okay official list of things I am thankful for this week
1. God and his infinite glory(Thursday-Friday)
2. Getting paid(Saturday)
3. Parties with my beloved friends from school and church alike(Sunday)
4. Catching up on sleep(Monday)
5. Teaching student and trying new thing(Archery)(Tuesday)
6. Going on adventures(Spontaneous trip to Barnes and Noble with Joanna) and naps(Wednesday)
7. Amazing(Albeit worried) school counselors, enthusiastic students, talented students, and Jam sessions(Today)

Yes, even though I’m standing on the brink of scaries, I still have many things to be thankful for.