I’ve been watching Doctor Who all day with my sister and friend. I got Sour Patch Kids as a gift. I don’t feel twenty. How could y’all let this happen to me? Whatever it happens to most everyone, right? Yeah. Right.

This year I resolve to not rely on anyone for my contentment. A lot of years I’ve spent my birthdays waiting for something to happen, but I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m going to be content no matter what. Even if I’m waiting, I’m going to wait like the waiting is the main attraction. Yeah silly idealist, but gotta aim for something, right? Right.

Happy new decade!

Housekeeping thing, how do y’all feel about the new tagline?

Well folks, in case you’ve forgotten in the however long hiatus I’ve taken I’ll let you know. I’m 19.6. So according to my daddy I haven’t developed my reason yet.

Well I’ve looked up the study that he’s always referring to and it basically is a scientific study that says that your brain isn’t finished developing until you’re 25 and the last part of your brain to develop is the part that makes decisions based on the long term outcome.

Now I’m not going to do the tests or anything, but I think that part of my brain has finished developing. If it hasn’t then I’m pretty sure I’m going to go crazy. This is my life.

“Oh hey, I’m in some serious pain. Maybe I should take some ibuprofen. But man, I haven’t eaten in a really long time. I don’t really have any food on me. I really don’t want a stomach ulcer. I guess I’ll live with the pain.”

“Oh my good lord that cigarette smells so good. Maybe I should take up smoking. But you know I really don’t have the money and I don’t want to get lung cancer. I don’t really want to put myself into an addiction like that.”

“Oh hey, it’s 1am, I should go to bed. Nah, I’ll write a blog post about making wise life decisions and drink coffee in the morning instead. But gosh darn it all that’s a dependence as well and I don’t want to  have to get up early enough every single morning to make coffee just to avoid a caffeine deprivation headache. Let’s face it, I don’t have enough money to buy coffee. I guess I’ll just be miserable in class tomorrow. It’s just Nutrition. Open note tests. That class doesn’t matter anyways. Maybe I’ll just skip. Nah. He doesn’t upload the power points.”

Why do my seemingly insignificant life decisions trigger psychological crises?

Darnit, I’d better go to bed.

This has been random musings with an exhausted college student(new blog name?) I’m going to finally go to sleep. After 12 hours of wanting to sleep but procrastinating crawling in bed….

I know this is going to be difficult for you to take,

but I’ve met someone else.

Someone who pays me lots of money for my time….

their names are

::insert place of work::

and

::insert other place of work::

Seriously, I would love to write on you all day long

and tell you how there’s no way I’m going to finish Confessions this month, or even this year!

and how my resident has prophesied 10 kids onto me.

How life is messy

and complicated

and how you’d think that killing peo- No, hold on… Sorry, that’s Starki- No, hold on… Sorry, that’s Doctor Who.

How I’m scared

and angry

and worried

and trying my hardest to be still and know that He is God.

How I’m at my breaking point.

How I’m two seconds from the blissful, terrifying release of total surrender.

Not by some magnificent feat of faith,

but by complete and utter desperation.

Complete and utter failure.

I can’t do it.

I can’t control it all.

I can’t pay for college without going into debt.

I can’t blog and work and read all at once.

I don’t have the time.

I’m sorry it has to be you first,

Dear Bloggasaurus.

We can still be friends.

I’ll still drop by sometimes.

But don’t hold your breath every week.

Or even every month.

But don’t worry about me.

God has me in the palm of His hand.

And even though I have no idea how it’s going to ever work out….

It will.

Because God rewards those who earnestly seek Him

Anyways. I thought I would immortalize my New Years progress here. I was finishing up my June book(The night of June 30th) and thinking back and I had to think way too much to remember what I’d already read. So here goes.

January: Forgotten God – Francis Chan

February: Surprised by Joy: The Shape of my Early Life - C. S. Lewis

March: When God Whispers Your Name - Max Lucado

April: The Problem of Pain - C. S. Lewis

May: The Great Divorce - C. S. Lewis

June: The Four Loves - C. S. Lewis

This might be ambitious, but I’m going to at least start reading Augustine’s Confessions. (C. S. Lewis references Augustine a lot and since I’m having such a good time reading Lewis….)

With how much I’ve been working blogging might become more sporadic, but I will still try to blog at least once a week. Sorry for any inconvenience to you OCD people who need things to only happen on specific days. Just kidding, I’m the only one that needs that. And people wonder why I make lists. And sleep. And read for the sake of escapism. I can’t handle my own thoughts!!!!! I’m ending this now before I start thinking too much and have a panic attack. Thinking never did me any good anyways.

I’ve been doing this thing lately where I’ll come home from work, eat supper, sit in the same room as my parents for about an hour before I either fall asleep on the couch or go downstairs just in time to fall into my bed. I don’t know what it is about Tuesdays, but I’ve done this three Tuesdays in a row. The first Tuesday I was watching a movie with my mom and dad and I ended up sleeping on the couch that night because I fell asleep in the middle of it(The Secret Life of Sherlock Holmes, or something dumb like that). Last week I literally went to sleep at 7:30, although I had an excuse: I started my new job last Wednesday(GO ME!)). Yesterday I tried to stay up and have some quality time with the rents. I really did. It just got to 7:30 and I was like, I’m sorry I can’t do this any more. So I went to bed. And promptly slept until noon.

I should be the most rested person in the world by now. But I’m really not. I am dead on my feet most of the time. I need to take up drinking coffee in the morning or something.

Any suggestions?

So I have this coworker that watches 16 and Pregnant and all those really lame reality tv shows that are everything wrong with this country. The other day I was working and made a comment to a resident about watching Doctor Who. (The resident was a whovian too). My coworker said:

“What’s Doctor Who?”

I responded with:

“Oh it’s a sci-fi show. Kind of along the same line of Star Wars and Star Trek… It’s about time travel.”

To which she said:

“Oh wow. You’re really weird.”

And so I said:

“Let’s call it what it is: I’m a geek.”

I tend to get the response of disbelief and disdain from people a lot when I tell them I like the things I like. Wait, what? A girl like you likes Star Trek? And it’s not because Chris Pine is a babe? Whaaaaat, you like Doctor Who? Whaaaaat you like Star Wars? Whaaaaat you would go to comicon?

At first glance it looks like these people think they’re better than me. Which may or may not be true. But I think deep down these people are terrified because they don’t understand what’s going on in geeky things. I love these shows because space, and time travel, and the origin of the universe intrigue me. I love that they reference science-y stuff and that it challenges me to learn more.

Like Petrichor.

It’s a new-ish word for the scent of the earth after rain…. Petrichor.

So, my dear coworker. Don’t be afraid. I just like gaining random tidbits of knowledge. Don’t hate. Don’t be a geekophobe… We’re normal people just like you… Except we know how to hardcore fangirl… but that’s a different story.

“Is that hail?”

It takes a few moments for the thought to make it’s way to the coherent places of your mind, but when the thought arrives it is a mere second before your half asleep body is careening into the sunlight, urgent to reach your car through the rain and hail before too much water gets in through the open windows.

Something cuts into the sole of your bare foot, but your sleepy mind can only process one emergency, and in that window of time nothing is more important than the cloth upholstery in your car. You drunkenly stagger into the car and grapple with the windows, the exhaustion and adrenaline fighting in your fingers making it hard to crank the old windows up. But alas, within the space of a minute the windows are up, the rain is pounding the roof not getting in, and the sun is still streaming into your eyes.

You lay across the gear shifter onto the passenger seat in order to let the adrenaline pass and your pulse to return to a normal rate. In a clearer state of mind you exit your car and dash back to the house, eager to return to your nap.

You lay back down on the couch. The rain and hail stops. Your foot is throbbing. You look down and see a shard of glass poking out of a bloody wound. Your nap is ruined.

My beloved new sister in law and me

SEE!!!!

More exciting posts to come! This is a pivotal moment on my blog. Now I can write posts about food I make and crafts I do and insane music I play(Curse you Chopin!). probably less ranting and more fun stuff. WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO! Gracie is excited!

So last night I grabbed my bible and headed out to the dock. Considering it was midnight, I also grabbed the new citronella candle my sister Anna bought. It was windy. I had to use my ingenuity but before long I was sitting by the lake with a candle flickering over the water reading the Psalmist’s wonder that an all powerful God is thinking of a lowly human.

As I sat on the dock and pondered the bigness of the universe and the smallness of myself I noticed the most amazing thing.

The water, the candle, the stars, the lights across the water…. It all came together to make something so beautiful that nothing will ever capture it. I found myself in one of those moments that will only ever live on in memory. No painting, no picture, no movie will ever do it justice.

And I serve the God who made an eternity’s worth of those moments.

wow.